


The Ghost of Could Have Beens

by BookwormyThings



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon until like 5x03, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Nothing explicit, Season 5 AU, Sort Of, but it is there, i am hoping for a happy ending, just a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 02:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookwormyThings/pseuds/BookwormyThings
Summary: She led them without missing a beat and with the same amount of duty. He thought that particular detail meant nothing changed for her, that every feeling of obligation and responsibility for them still lingered in the skeleton of her soul. He believed she remembered her sacrifice the same way he did and the remembrance of it would steer her back to him, the way things were before fire burned everything including his partnership with her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I have been working on since before the season premiered last month, but I just got the time to finish the first chapter. I don't think this will be very long, a few chapters at most. It will definitely be AU once we see the next episode, but I had this image and I wanted it to be out there and not be influenced by canon. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something I have been working on since before the season premiered last month, but I just got the time to finish the first chapter. I don't think this will be very long, a few chapters at most. It will definitely be AU once we see the next episode, but I had this image and I wanted it to be out there and not be influenced by canon.
> 
> Enjoy!

Despite the current quiet, they all still felt like they are attempting to catch their breaths from running. Six years in peace weakened their ability to keep air in their lungs as they stretched their legs looking for refuge. Without Clarke leading them through the unfamiliar territory, Eligius would have caught them minutes into their race for survival. Despite her own injuries, she maneuvered on the ground with a gracefulness acquired with the awareness only years of inhabitance could provide. 

She led them without missing a beat and with the same amount of duty. He thought that particular detail meant nothing changed for her, that every feeling of obligation and responsibility for them still lingered in the skeleton of her soul. He believed she remembered her sacrifice the same way he did and the remembrance of it would steer her back to him, the way things were before fire burned everything including his partnership with her. 

He thought she would understand him and be on their side, his side, but when have things ever been simple on the ground. Why would it start now? 

Their agreement ended when they reached Wonkru now unearthed from the bunker. Octavia resembled something strange with her army of loyalists marching behind her in fear-tangled wonder. One look at his sister and the bonds with all others realigned themselves to have Octavia fit somewhere in his family like they were never apart for six years. She would forever orbit around him in the same way she always has—he was tethered to her. 

Talks and meetings and truces have led to arguments and glares and silence as he agreed to put Madi in the middle of some of the negotiations, in the center of some of their plans. In his attempt to placate his sister and keep his family safe, he angered his one-time partner. 

It seemed they were no longer on the same side. He thought she would care about pleasing Octavia in order to maintain a part in Wonkru decisions. He was wrong. 

Bellamy peered over his busy hands to see Clarke talking to Madi. It appeared as if they were arguing about something with Madi’s eye narrowed in fury and Clarke’s hands placed on her hips with clear frustration etched in her brow. Madi stomped away leaving Clarke behind with her hands running over her face and through her hair. 

As she began to look up, she caught Bellamy’s eyes with her own. Her displeasure obvious on her face cooled into indifference rapidly before she turned and walked in the opposite direction away from everyone including him. The sting of how they walked away from each other all those years ago panged in his chest. They were back to the way things were in the very beginning of their relationship. Her quick wit and resourcefulness cutting him down and making him doubt himself and his indignation to listen to her out of principle and loyalty to his cause built a wall between the two of them. 

He thought they had passed this so long ago and never imagined they would revert back into old habits, habits they let go for the sake of survival and something else—something like friendship and maybe even love. 

His stomach churned with a mixture of guilt and his own irritation of her behavior. Childish was the first word that came to mind of everything she had done to force him to reconsider. He almost did reconsider simply to stop the madness but one look at Monty’s worry-filled face and Echo’s lost eyes stopped him in his tracks. Clarke was wrong about this one. Madi needed to be in the middle as she knew this place better than anyone even Clarke. She grew up here, and Clarke could not be in two places at once despite how cunning she could be. 

He witnessed how well-trained Madi was. He held no doubt that she could take care of herself as she seemed to have taken after her adoptive family. That and Madi appeared insistent that she be involved in some way. Stubborn to the point of stupid, Bellamy knew arguing with her would have been pointless. He never thought Clarke would feel differently. 

No amount of yelling or tantrums or the silent treatment he was now receiving would change his mind, but he thought maybe it would change hers. 

Still staring at the empty space Clarke used to occupy, he never noticed anyone approaching until Echo spoke from next to him, “She’ll come around.” She sat herself down before continuing, “She has to. We don’t have another option, and she knows that. This is the only choice.” 

Despite the comfort and happiness he once would have felt at Echo’s hand touching his knee, part of him wanted to recoil away from her but he kept still. Instead, he closed his eyes once again remember the night all those years ago when Clarke and he were a team. He stood up and said in a low, dirty laugh without any humor, “Only choice is an oxymoron by the way. There is always a choice.” 

Taken aback by the harshness of his voice, she hardened just a little, “Fine, it is the best choice, so she will come around to talking to you again. Just give it some time.” 

Time. He believed he had time once, and whatever time he hoped he had was ripped from him by this need of survival. They never had time. Time felt fleeting and as distant as a soon to be forgotten dream. 

So, he told Echo exactly that, “We never have time. We are always running from one war to the next. There is always the next thing trying to kill us. How am I supposed to just wait when we may not get tomorrow?” 

“That’s why we are fighting, so we can get a tomorrow. That is why she’s mad because she knows that this saves the most people. She wouldn’t be this angry if she knew there was another way.” 

Bellamy didn’t respond at that moment as he acknowledged Echo’s reasoning. He knew she had a point. The Clarke he remembered would have agreed with him. She strategized and manipulated the situation to fit her end goals. She was a bad guy for good reasons. This new mother Clarke did not fit into his plan. She was foreign and uncharted and something akin to unreasonable. He never thought he would ever describe Clarke as unreasonable. He never thought he would ever describe Clarke again. 

But, here he was doing both those things. 

Sighing, he sat himself back down not bothering to make himself comfortable as he was not planning to stay seated for long, “I just don’t know how to make her understand long enough to know she’ll follow through.” 

“You can’t. You just have to trust that she will.” 

He settled himself in his seat and waited in the quiet as his mind drifted into something else, a place with possible answers to all the questions thumping in his brain. Echo followed him into the silence without reluctance. She mirrored how he settled himself in his place. As seconds drifted into minutes, they remained just as they were. She yearned to be with him in the easy way they fit on the ring after tiresome years of attempting to work it all out. All that time trying to gain ground and they found a balance among friendship edging into something more. 

Despite her concerns about his sister, she dared hope to push them firmly into something more leaving behind the uncertainty in their relationship. There was a new unforeseen obstacle to her star-guided wish. Their hands never left their personal spaces, but their knees grazed one another every few beats. 

Those minutes melted into almost an hour.

They stayed in the in-between comfortable and crushing silence for as long as they could. They busied themselves with minor chores as their hands sharpened tools. They kept themselves still until Echo’s heartbeat drummed up her throat and formed a question on her lips, “How do you think Raven and Murphy are doing up there? After everything?” 

Bellamy raised his stare to look up at the dimming sky, “They have to be okay.” 

Her eyes moved to the sky too as she tried to muster up the same conviction in her voice, “Yeah…yeah, they have to be.” 

A second later, Clarke appeared in their line of sight. No longer discernably incensed, she marched away from a pleading Harper and a rather tired Monty as they attempted to communicate or maybe convince Clarke of something. Whatever Monty said caused Clarke to turn so quickly it made Monty stumble just a little. Her eyes blazed with fury so much so Monty did more than stumble now he stepped back and Harper placed a hand on his shoulders. 

They paused and Clarke reverted back to her march into her tent quite a distance away from everyone else. Harper followed her carefully after gently reassuring Monty with soft touches and a loving kiss. 

Bellamy rapidly tore his eye from the scene to catch Echo’s concern dancing delicately on her face. Thinking back to the comment not so long ago, he gave another humorless laugh even graver than before, “Trust doesn’t seem enough anymore at least not for her.” He closed his lids in order to avoid the emotion he knew was bound to be there. It hurt more than he realized, more the moments of motionlessness where he could not ignore the hollowing hurt in his chest where his heart used to be. 

Losing something, losing someone, that pain carried him from day to day until it acted as a guiding light in the darkness of endless space to be better than he was so no one would have to feel this weight again. He believed it could not get any worse than those insistences where nothing else existed but the harrowing realization that something, that someone was gone forever. Yet, nothing compared to finding that something, finding that someone, only to realize they never were yours to lose in the first place, never yours to find again. That pain was much worse.

Giving him a small and vulnerable smile, Echo reached out to him once more saying, “It will get better. I promise. We will figure something out.” Her right hand caressed his cheek as she breathed out the word she thought would bring him the most hope, “Together.” 

He had not meant to physically show his ache of hearing the phrase, but he could not help but flinch when she said it. Clarke and he shared together, and it was never meant to be given to Echo in that way. They may have shared years and bodies in a way he never would with Clarke, yet together, together would never be hers. No, he could never give that particular part of himself to anyone other than Clarke especially not when she was so close now. She existed in the same physical plane as he did. He could touch her and see her and hear her. 

He heard her suck in her breath as he slowly realized the hurt he just inflicted, yet he could not bring himself to care enough to apologize not in a way that matter to her. He merely gaped his mouth open with no words to spill out and sooth the air. With nothing left to say, he hardened himself as he looked away from her in shame and relief. Better she knew now they would never have together the way she wanted. 

Echo’s gaze pleading and just a little aching followed his stern face. They glazed over in acknowledgment as she began to accept the thing she understood even before their feet grazed the ground again. Her voice mirrored everything displayed on her features as a quiet surrender forced her to shrink in posture. She spoke in a small and rather broken tone, “So much for nothing changing on the ground.” 

Softening at her words, he did not move her way or react any further to her. 

She gave a gentle laugh, not in joy but in resignation, “I always thought your sister would be the end of us, all of us. I never thought she was meant to lead not in the way we all needed. But, then again, I never thought Clarke would be alive when we got back.” 

“Echo…” he uttered to barricade her from whatever was coming next. 

She lifted her hand to stop him from speaking further, “Don’t,” and she pushed herself up, “She was always in the way, Bellamy. I just thought…I thought with time and I don’t know me you would be able to finally let her go completely. It was stupid of me to think that because she was there with you the whole time even when you were with me. She was there. She is there in everything that you do.”

She paused to collect her thoughts into coherent sentences to make him comprehend she was hurt but not in the way he thought she was, “We’re too different. We spent years up in space with no one but us. Of course, you would pick me, we would pick each other. On the ground, things are different. There is no peace. We have to be different people to survive down here, and those people, they can’t be together even if we promised we would.” 

Bellamy stood up and grabbed her hands as he attempted to formulate anything to stop any of this from happening. All he could say was, “I love you, Echo.” 

A sad smile painted her lips, “I know, and I love you too. But, this…this isn’t right. And, I know you know that.” She moved to touch his face and she lovingly caressed her thumb across his cheek, “We will always be family. That will never change. Everything else has to though.” 

Raising his hands in indignation, he said, “Why? We could try, but you’re just giving up.” 

“I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at me since we have left the ring. It isn’t the same. There’s this part of you that is going to wonder if I will ever be that person I was before.” She took a big breath and released desperation with an exhale, “And, with good reason, because you’re not an idiot, Bellamy. You see where all of this is going, and you know that I will need to make choices that may disappoint you, that may remind you of that other person we all thought I left behind and with our history this…” She pointed back and forth between them and said, “This would never last that fight.” 

“Echo…” 

“It’s okay. I always knew we would end. I just fooled myself into hoping there was a chance, this small chance, that we wouldn’t.” 

She pulled him toward her so their foreheads would gentle graze one another before she let him go and walked away from him. 

Alone again, this new jab stemmed from what seemed like a lack of loyalty. He had not realized Echo had noticed the difference between them as much as he had. Whenever he hesitated to send Clarke somewhere Echo was the first replacement of which he would think. Guilt wiggled its way into the bottom of his belly as two opposing forces collided into one another. 

Echo was family, and she had been for three years—six if he was telling himself the truth. Despite the anger and refusal to forgive, she was there when others were not making her family. Here, he was struggling to balance it all. These jagged pieces overlapped in awkward and often agonizing ways never fitting perfectly together. 

He inhaled deeply as the sun began to set. The shadows of his surroundings transformed the world around him into a much darker, terrifying place. It reflected the reality of his time on the ground. Nothing about it mirrored the serene beauty of Eden. 

While he ruminated on his time here, Monty ran up to him. Eyes brighter than when he last saw him, Monty exclaimed, “They landed. Murphy and Raven landed. We weren’t sure it was them when we saw the ship, but Octavia sent Madi and Kara on a scouting mission and she just reported back that they are on their way with the two of them now.”

With that announcement, both Monty and Bellamy caught up with Echo and Emori. They gathered around the council tent as they attempted to wonder inside where Octavia and Indra were already waiting. 

Bellamy talked first, “Did you talk to them?” 

Octavia nodded and said, “Yes, they are on their way. Apparently, they aren’t in great shape, but they were able to escape and bumped into Kara and Madi. They were almost here when we talked about fifteen minutes ago.” 

Echo stepped up to insert herself into the conversation, “What happened?” 

Indra answered, “We don’t know yet, but I imagine the prisoners weren’t exactly friendly.” 

Octavia took the time to consider the possibilities, “Once they get here, we’ll know more about them and then we can strike and take back Eden.” 

Bellamy shifted his weight and stared at his sister with conviction, “How exactly are you planning on taking on an advanced military?” 

“We have something up our sleeve that they don’t.” 

Bellamy asked, “What?” Still staring in the direction of his sister, he saw Indra signal for him to look behind with a slight nod of the head. That’s when he heard Harper’s movement as she entered the tent. 

Monty walked his way over to her saying, “She listen to you?” 

Nodding in affirmation, she addressed everyone but looked directly at Octavia’s dead eyes, “I talked to Clarke. She wasn’t happy about it, but she’ll go. You just have to promise that Madi stays here.” 

Bellamy interrupted Harper and stepped closer to the pair, “Go where?” 

“She is already prepped to go. She says there is something Eliguis don’t know about that can work to our advantage.” 

Bellamy quickly turned to speak to his sister, “You’re going to send Clarke to face an army.” 

“Yes.”

Struggling to keep calm, Bellamy continued, “Who’s going with her? And, what exactly is she going to do?” 

Harper and Monty began to look as if they were preparing for a fight. If Bellamy was going to stand up to his sister, he had allies in them. Emori’s nerves peaked as she watched Bellamy stand straighter and stronger. She did not receive the hero’s welcome the others did. Another painful reminder of how much of an outsider she was until space, until John. Her gut twisted at the memory of him. He was coming back, but she had seen Clarke’s bruises and John had been with them for longer. 

Echo, Echo posed herself behind Bellamy as a shadow. Her face not betraying her thoughts as she witnessed Bellamy give the most emotional response she had seen in six years. The same person caused both of them. Another reminder of how much she was not the center of his world the way she imagined she would be one day, the way she dared to envision in those dark nights that went on forever—no end in sight, no horizon. It was just the two of them in infinite space and time wrapped in the loneliness of never tasting fresh air again. 

Octavia, unfazed by the group, stared her brother down, “She’s going to get us the advantage.” 

Bellamy questioned her, “And, why wasn’t I a part of this decision?”

Beginning to appear bored with the conversation, her eyes found the table in the center with a hand-drawn map saying, “I didn’t think you would care since you were so for using Clarke and Madi at the beginning. I figured you would agree. It’s the best play, the smart play.” 

“Clarke didn’t want to engage with Eligius. You know that, and we shouldn’t have to send her there. We don’t know…” 

“You’re right. You don’t know, but that’s why I’m going…to find out.” 

Bellamy moved his head to see Clarke walk in much readier to face the elements than when he last saw her arguing with Monty and Harper. He turned the rest of his body to take her in as this was the most she had spoken to him in the last three days. He yearned for her to just look at him with the same amount of openness and feeling as before, yet she maintained her gaze on Octavia not once engaging with him. 

His heart slowly sank and his ears buzzed as Octavia and Clarke continued their conversation about what was to happen next. The only discernable words came from Clarke’s last statement before exiting the space, “I’ll leave now. I can meet up with Kara and Madi to get some intel before I head out to Eden.” 

She left then and Octavia dismissed everyone else as she stepped toward the exist. Echo glanced at him one last time before she too left. He felt ill as an unsettling feeling crept all over him. He knew something awful was going to occur soon. Their luck was running out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr if you want!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very dialogue heavy chapter because it's setting up a lot of relationship dynamics. 
> 
> Let me know what you all think with a comment!

Monty’s ears rang. His tiredness grew with each passing second, each moment another reminder of all the agony he had endured and all the agony still left to be felt. He watched as Clarke gathered her things with her words vibrating in his head and her angry eyes searing into his memory. 

They were bright in a way that had never been directed at any of them and her voice low with intention, “My fight was supposed to be over.” 

The phrase stung as he closed his eyes recalling all the years without her physically. All they had was the phantom of everything she taught them in the time they knew her. She died for them. She died for them, and now, they asked for her to fight again, to possibly die again for them and their stupid agenda. 

His heart clenched slightly remembering the laughs shared between the seven of them and the small pauses between each insistence. Joy without all those left behind seemed unreal. Those six years seemed unreal and alienated and now distant like those parts of their lives were nothing but dreams destined to fade with time. Joy was meant to be fleeting and finite and forgotten for all of them. It was never meant to be a permanent, tangible thing woven into their lives. 

He was never meant to be happy in that un-frighten, fearless way. His burdens weighed heavy on his soul and echoed in his mind far too often. He meant what he said. No one should be this strong all of the time. This kind of strength always came with attachments and laws prewritten by fate. He never yearned to abide by those rules and never wanted others to have that obligation thrusted upon them. It drowned you under the pressure and choked you with each decision forced to be made.

He was forced to make decisions that will always trail behind him every single day of his life. 

His stare moved along the horizon as he took in the fanatics spread out in the space they have claimed as their own. They all walked with a purpose Monty knew he left behind on the ring. Head reeling, he thought back to those words, “My fight was supposed to be over.” 

Clarke exclaimed them in a frenzy, in an odd concoction of passion and coldness only Clarke could create. She said them in a voice emulating her very core bringing a strange sense of comfort to Monty as he attempted to regain equilibrium on the ground. She may seem different but strip the outer layers of leather and grime and the Clarke he knew breathed in every one of her foreign movements. 

She was just as fierce as ever. 

There was also a plea somewhere hidden deep in the bleakness of her voice like she was whispering a prayer of understanding like she longed for something taken from her so long ago she had forgotten it was once hers. A familiar tension told in every word and movement replaced the little relief he received from the similarities he spotted. He recognized those signs as warnings of a fighter readying herself for battle. 

Before he could contemplate further, Harper wrapped her arms around him and placed a kiss on his shoulder uttering, “You don’t think this is a good idea.” She moved her chin on top of his shoulder as he grasped her hands to move her closer to him. “You weren’t convinced before that disaster of a meeting, you sure aren’t going to be convinced now.” 

He sighed, “I’m not convinced this is a good idea.” 

“You agreed it was the only way.” 

He let her go and turned to her saying, “I know. When I heard Raven and Murphy were in bad shape, I wanted to send out everyone to go find them, and when Octavia mentioned Clarke, I jumped at the chance…” 

Harper closed in on him with her eyes as tender as ever never parted from his, “But…” 

Eyes closed, he exhaled, “But, it’s not fair. Clarke already died for us once. Why should she do this now?” 

“Raven and Murphy, they are our family, and they need us. They need someone to go out there, and Clarke is the best shot they have…that we all have.” 

He laid his hands on top of hers and pulled them to his chest replying, “They are, and I want them back safe too. But, you heard what she said…her fight was supposed to be over. She lived in that valley alone with this great kid of hers in the most peace she has experienced since she got to the ground. The moment we all come home and all hell breaks loose.” 

Pulling away, she said, “Monty, that’s not your fault. It’s not our fault.” 

“I know. But, why is it Clarke’s job to make it better.” He stepped away from her giving her and himself space to process, for it all to really sink in. “From the beginning, all Clarke’s ever done is make it better for the rest of us. Someone screws up and she figures out a plan to save as many of us as she can. She thought she was done doing that, and the one time she puts her foot down, we push her to fight anyway because they are our family.” 

Her lips began to part as if to respond, but Monty stopped her, “They are. Ours. Not hers. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but can you honestly say that when you think about our family Clarke is there. Because I don’t. I grieved her, and I missed her but I moved on to our family. And now, Clarke’s going to fight for that family because we really didn’t give her a choice.” 

“Monty…” Her head shook just a bit in dejection as she realized he spoke in earnestness. 

“We don’t deserve her. Not at the beginning, not in Mount Weather, not in Praimfaya, not now. All we do is fight her and disagree with her and blame her for everything that goes wrong, and all she does is try to make all the hard choices for us, so we don’t have to make them ourselves. She carries all the guilt and we look at her with this…this…I don’t know. I accused her of playing God once, and it wasn’t until we thought she was dead that Raven told me it was her who wanted the list made. Clarke didn’t, but someone had to, and there was no way in hell Clarke was going to let someone else look at their friends and decide who was worth saving. Raven never forgave herself for it especially after I told her what happened when she left for Becca’s lab.”

He stopped with mouth gaped searching for the words that would never sooth the remorse he dragged with him. His face tingled as he sucked in the tears threatening to wash his cheeks, and his hands spread his fingers as he tried to grasp something in the air clearly nonexistent.

Softly as if not wanting to break him further, Harper whispered, “Monty, you can’t beat yourself up like this.” 

“It was after the first year when we all realized we were going to be up there for a while and there wasn’t much setting up left that Bellamy told me how hard she took it. How she broke down the way only Clarke knows how to quiet and alone and not looking for anyone to comfort her. How she wanted to put all of our names on there, but she couldn’t because that would be selfish and wrong. How he eventually convinced her to let him help. How Bellamy wrote her name in the end because he knew she deserved to live and that we would need her and she wanted to, but she just couldn’t do it herself. He told me that’s when they picked each other...when he started to hope.” 

Pausing for a breath, he spewed out the rest with such self-reproach she started to understand why Monty never wanted to come back to the ground. There were too many reminders of a life not worthy of him, “We took her for granted, and I realized how much I needed her when she was gone, really gone. Now she’s back, and we are doing the same thing over again.” 

Looking at Harper’s somber expression, he said one last thing before walking away toward Clarke’s figure who was making her way to her tent to grab her things, “It’s not just Clarke though. I don’t think we deserve Eden either. Not if we are going to fight for it this way.” 

Stunned, Harper watched Monty attempt to catch up with her former friend as understanding slowly sank into her stomach. She inhaled deeply and knew that a part of her now steadily growing agreed with him. 

Monty did not look back and remained focused on Clarke. As he reached her, he addressed her as a genuine friend for the first time since he knew of her survival, “Don’t do it.” 

Startled by his abrupt declaration, she jumped slightly before turning to face him as she said, “What do mean don’t do it?” 

Strong in his conviction, he stepped closer to her reiterating, “Don’t do it. Don’t go.” 

“I have to, Monty.” She turned to finish, yet suddenly jerked herself to her previous position to directly look into his eyes, “Besides, you were pushing for me to go just an hour ago.” 

Hurt by the truth of her statement, the tremble in his voice showed his shame, “I know, and I’m sorry. But, don’t do it, Clarke. Don’t go out there and get yourself killed. We’ll figure it out like always. We’ll keep Madi safe. I promise. We’ll figure something out that doesn’t involve you going out there by yourself saving our asses again. I’ll figure something out. Just don’t do it.” 

“Monty…” 

Intersecting himself, he said, “We are a family. And, I know it doesn’t feel like that right now. But, we are, Clarke. You kept us safe for a very long time. Please, let me keep you and your daughter safe now.” 

Taken aback by his impassioned speech, she remained dumbstruck for a while no words formulating in her mind to say anything in response. As seconds scurried on pass them, she found her words slowly, “No. This isn’t about keeping score, Monty. It isn’t about getting even. I don’t want you to think I expect anything from you. I did what I thought I had to, and you did the same. We do what we have to, to survive.” 

Seeing Monty unsatisfied and worried he would do something, she hurried through what she said next, “Bellamy is right anyway. Madi and I are the only ones that can make that trip without getting lost, and I’m not sending Madi out there. I’m the only one that can do this the right way.” 

Intaking some air, she treaded the next part carefully saying, “Besides, we aren’t family. Not the way we used to be, the way we could have been. And, that’s okay, Monty. I’m glad you all found some happiness up there. And maybe…maybe we’ll get the chance to be the family we want. Maybe, we’ll get there someday once all of this is over and we don’t just have to survive on the ground. But for now, your family needs you here watching out for them, and they need me out there.” 

“Clarke, please…” 

Monty’s pleas reverberated in the air, but before they could settle, Clarke marched away leaving a rather empty space as Monty attempted to fill it with something other than grief and guilt. 

As Clarke navigated her way toward the exit, Echo spied her departure. She had initially wanted to confront her about her tactics. Although Echo knew exactly how resourceful Clarke could be, she also knew she held more knowledge when it came to this kind of work and Clarke had not been engaged in warfare in the last six years. Despite the same lack of practice from Echo, she shifted into her old self easily.

Sensing something off, Clarke halted in her path and stood straight. Waiting, she stilled herself anticipating one of Octavia’s more zealous warriors attempting to throw her off with a surprise attack. 

Instead, she heard Echo’s strong voice address her, “You’re wrong, you know.” 

She twisted herself to look at Echo confused and annoyed all at once. Before she had the opportunity to even question her, Echo continued, “You’re wrong. You are a part of their family, and just because, you don’t think that’s true doesn’t mean it isn’t.” 

No one missed the implication that Clarke was not a part of Echo’s family.

“Echo…” 

Refusing to be pushed aside, Echo stood her ground saying, “They mourned you. They grieved for your death…all of them, all of us.” Her eyes glistened as she began to include herself as someone who may have lost something in the fight against the end of the world. “We all owe you so much. I owe you my life.” 

“Stop. It’s not that…” 

“No, you stop and think about what you are doing. They remember everything you did, and you are acting like it means nothing, like they mean nothing to you.” 

Frustrated and a little hurt by the closeness Echo now held with the people that were meant to be hers, Clarke lashed out unable to contain herself saying, “It’s part of the problem, isn’t it. That we are holding onto people that aren’t here anymore. I don’t know these people, Echo. How could they mean something to me if I don’t know them? And, they remember a Clarke that doesn’t exist. She died, Echo. She died, and they want her back and I don’t know how too…”

Breathing heavily, she raged on, “And now, I have to be someone I haven’t been in years because if I’m not then I’m the bad guy who let people die.” 

Seeing the offended look on Echo, Clarke cooled down and apologies etched themselves onto her features. Her voice, soft in its volume yet rough in its tone, reminded Echo of a mother gently reprimanding her beloved child, “I didn’t do it for all of you to carry a torch and praise me. I already had the fancy name and legend and I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. I didn’t do it for your apologies or for you to start…whatever this is. I did it because I could and it was right and I wanted all of you to make it. That’s it. My life was worth it if it meant the rest of you made it and lived lives outside of everything we knew on the ground.” 

Echo’s emotions were verging on spilling over, but she maintained her composure long enough to say, “Bellamy loved you. I saw his agony every day for years trying to figure out how to keep going without you there. And, now, you want to leave him again.” 

Not having it, Clarke said, “And, he did. He figured it out and he loves you now. Don’t throw it away, Echo. Don’t let this place change the person you became on the ring, because that person, whoever she is, that person is worth loving.” 

Clarke walked away, with her supplies in hand, she marched out of camp and into the wastelands leaving behind Echo with her certainty about it all breaking but her respect for Clarke very much intact. 

Sighing, Echo recognized the truth of Clarke’s last said statement though she also knew it would alter nothing about the events unfolding right now. She murmured too softly for anyone other than herself to hear, “It may be too late for that.” She watched Clarke leaving before turning to leave herself to find the remaining members of her family without the complication of recent events.

Each step carried Clarke away from the safety of the gratitude people held for her which was rapidly not becoming enough of a guarantee for her. As her mind contemplated Wonkru, she could not shake the manner in which Miller looked and spoke to her. Even with the years, her people or the remnants of what was her people did not understand her actions and it seemed they did not want to understand. 

You can’t just do whatever the hell you want. That’s what he said to her when she was trying to stop Octavia from doing something idiotic. Responsibility never led to the freedom of which he accused her, but he would not know as she navigated the old world to ensure he would not. 

Still, he never looked at her the way he now looked at Octavia, and something about that fact rubbed her the wrong way. 

She attempted to ignore the horrible feeling gnawing at her as she continued through the desert. And as the night sky darkened her view, she wondered when she would find complete peace. She believed she earned it when the bird stopped her from the point of no return and escorted her to paradise, to Madi, to her will to live. 

Her fight over, she found a way to live with all the death that followed her on the ground. She discovered a sense of happiness in the structured life she constructed for Madi’s sake. She would never sleep a full night again she lost too much for it to be possible, but she found the space in her heart to forgive the ground and everything it stirred in her. In its destruction, the birth of a new self permitted her to absolve some of her sins. From the ashes of the earth and Wenheda, she rose into motherhood and eventually something closely resembling serenity. 

She set up camp with the tricks she learned from six years of survivalism. A small fire crackled as she nibbled on her rations and she batted away her memories. Everything about this moment flung her to the worst of her isolation. She had made this trek more than a dozen times, but several of those times came before she found Madi and the oasis that came with her. 

She shook her head. She needed not to think about all the agony she endured waiting for a salvation that would fall a year later than expected yet right on time as hopelessness was ripe to win the war she had been fighting since she woke in Becca’s lab. She needed not linger on the loneliness Bellamy must have already sensed in her as the crowd of hundreds hoarded around her and the noise overwhelmed her to the brink of pain. She needed not to feel the slow thumps of her heart hammering her chest with constant cues of her current circumstances as Bellamy placed so many others over Madi and herself and the life she envisioned they would share once they all were together. 

She thought she left her naiveite behind her in the charred bodies after pulling her first lever, but here she was nursing heartache after such disappointment. She should have known of all the hardships that laid ahead of them. How did less than a year compare to six? 

She knew they would have moved on, grieved for her and her sacrifice for them, but she imagined once they landed on the ground they would work together as a team, as a family. And, they did. It just did not include her. 

No matter, rescuing the people of her past ensured the security of the person in her present and hopefully the future too. 

Finishing up, she wrapped up some of her rations of the night to offer them to Raven and Murphy when she saw them. She decided it was best if she slept in total darkness, so she extinguished the fire and attempted to create heat by enveloping herself with the coat she made from the radiation suit. Sleep was as elusive as always but eventual, her mind began to quiet and her body began to still and nothingness began to take over.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay! Work has been crazy, and this chapter is a little longer than expected! I'm actually really proud of this chapter, and I hope the angst can make up for the long wait. 
> 
> If you like it, please leave a comment or a kudos! Also, share it with your friends! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Murphy limped his way to Raven and the kid as they chatted with one another about who knows what. He would rather spend his time with them then the creepy version of Kara that dragged herself from the underworld into the open earth. He remembered her as someone rational and standoffish back on the Ark and Arkadia. They were never friends, but this new person had no resemblance to her old self. Something about the way she spoke about Octavia made his skin crawl with suspicion and fear. 

He did not like the way this new world was shaping out to be. From the look of everything, the destruction of this hellhole created another much darker, much hellier hellhole than the previous one. Not even seeing Raven laugh for the first time since they left the ring brought him any sense of comfort. 

His neck still stung from the shocks. At least, they only had the one chance as Raven, being all clever, found a way to get them out before they could keep torturing him. He liked to think his screams kept her motivated. 

The girl’s voice cleared all the bad memories as her excitement to meet them overshadowed the hard, mocking voices of his mind, “yeah, Clarke said you were the smartest person ever which is super hard to believe because Clarke is super smart. You should see her working on the rover. It’s kind of awesome!” 

Raven’s smirk came through in her words as she said, “Clarke was never really a mechanic, so I am surprised she even got the thing running.” 

Murphy chuckled at the image of seeing blonde hair under the hood of the rover. He could never picture her all covered in grease and sweat and hard work. Blood, blood, he could see though. It halted him to realize what he thought about his friend, a murdering princess covered in her enemy’s blood. 

Sitting himself down, he heard Madi defending Clarke fiercer than anyone had any right to, “Well, you shouldn’t. She figured out how to get the radio working, how to get the guns working, how to catch rainwater, how to dry meat and so many other things that I can’t imagine anyone being smarter than her. She is the biggest badass ever.” 

Deciding now was the time to insert himself into the conversation, Murphy spoke up, “That, that we can all agree with. No way in hell any of us would take her on not after praimfaya.” 

Madi sized him up to see where the joke could have been. Sensing some sincerity from him, she said, “Good,” before turning to Raven to continue their previous discussion, “Maybe you can teach me all that stuff? Emori told me you taught her.” 

Raven’s eyes flickered to Murphy with the mention of his ex-girlfriend but quickly focused on Madi again with a giant smile, “Sure thing, kid. It’s going to be hard. I gotta un-teach all the bad stuff Clarke was doing, first.” 

Huffing at another jab at Clarke, Madi appeared annoyed before agreeing to take what she could, “Fine. Deal!” 

With that, Kara marched her way toward the trio with a face stoic and serious. She approached them with a grimace and her voice rather discontent with her assignment. She clearly was not thrilled at her assignment of accompanying someone as enthusiastic and undisciplined as Madi. Still, she watched them as she was told to do. 

Once she reached them, she said, “We must keep moving. I want to reach camp before tomorrow night. If we get lucky, there won’t be another sandstorm. We can drive all the way through.” 

Madi jumped up and started her way toward the rover without much of a word which caused an unsettling ripple to wash over Raven and Murphy. Nothing about this girl was quiet and behaved. She was wild and unfiltered, this unrestricted canvas free to exist without worry lines coloring her into submission. She was everything Clarke could have been if leadership had not chained her and everything Octavia could have been if life had not stripped her of whatever sanity Bellamy loved into her. 

She was what all the delinquents should have been if they were not forced to be dropped into a war zone if they had been born with wind in their hair and dirt on their skin smelling of forest and freedom. Life and circumstance robbed them of such an existence. Instead, they had been dropped into a war zone, they had been born with stale air on their tongues and unfair rules on their minds buzzing of engines and limitations. 

Raven stood her ground saying, “I think we should wait. Murphy has just been able to catch his breath and Madi has been driving for hours. She should rest.” 

Not having any of it, Kara’s face saw her resolve, “Blodreina wanted us back already. We cannot keep her waiting. We leave in ten minutes. Be in the rover by then or we will leave you behind.” 

Raven and Murphy stared at one another before standing and following Kara toward the rover not too far away. 

Raven limped slightly leaning on Murphy as she realized she was more wounded than she would have liked to admit. Each step carried them closer and Murphy broke the tension with icy snark, all sharp and cool, “Anyone else think someone should shoot Cooper in the ass to see if that stick will come out.” 

Raven spit out a breath resembling laughter enough to make Murphy smirk just a little. It lasted a second before a bullet cut through the air as if it were summoned by Murphy’s joke.

It missed its target, but it created enough urgency that no one hesitated before tripping themselves into running faster in spite of all the injuries. Dirt rose as boots hit the ground propelling bodies into the rover as rapidly as possible. 

Bullets did not stop flying, but Kara had been in the rover before it began and Madi was not that far behind her. Once, Raven and Murphy jumped into the back, not bothering to close the doors behind them, Madi drove off not letting up for miles. 

Raven and Murphy gasped for air before he caught enough of it to ask, “Everyone alright?”

It was a soft chorus of yeses as he held onto Raven to steady her before grappling with the doors to close them. They continued on their way back home more assured than ever that a war was indeed brewing. 

Hours dragged in the shallow calm as breaths declared the winded and the living, but no one dared to move the air with questions that may lead to unwanted answers of danger and damage. It was not until a small silhouette slowly came into view any of them mustered the courage to sunder the silence. 

It was Murphy who exclaimed for Madi to stop the vehicle naming Clarke as the figure up ahead. It was Murphy who hurriedly scurried out of the rover into the desert sun. It was Murphy who reached Clarke first engulfing her in a hug without hesitation. 

Everyone followed him toward her Madi straggling behind as she walked sluggishly. Their laughter sang and brought some much-needed levity to the mission. Once, they caught up to them, they heard Murphy’s joking snide. 

He said, “Well, well, well, the princess turned into a cockroach. How the mighty have fallen!” 

Smiling, bright yet cutting, she replied, “Well, you can’t kill a cockroach. It seemed like a better fit. Besides, I was never a dress and tiara kind of girl.” 

“No, you were not.” 

Murphy backed away to let Raven crash into Clarke. The long breaths attempted to mask the sobs threatening to choke out of her as she reunites with the tangible ghost of her friend. Raven buried herself into Clarke’s side, and no one moved to interrupt them until a concerned Clarke wiggled herself free from the embrace. 

She said, “Raven, are you hurt?” 

Raven nodded as there was no reason in hiding it from Clarke when she could clearly see all her injuries, “Yeah, the new guys seem to get a thrill out of kicking us. Murphy got it worse, but it was mostly electro-shocks.” 

Taking everything in, Clarke examined Raven’s cut on her side. It bled, but the wound was superficial and would not need stitches. The bandages Clarke snuck out of camp would be enough. 

At the moment, she placed her things on the sand to search for the needed items in her bag scanning the environment for her daughter. Catching her just a few feet from where she stood, she said in a teasing voice, “Madi, can you come and help me? I need someone who knows what they are doing.”

The deliberate movements in Madi’s body gave her away. The obvious wrinkle in Clarke’s brow gave her away. 

“Madi…” 

Hissing just enough for the pain to seep through, Madi attempted to ease Clarke’s concern, “I’m fine. It’s just a graze.” 

Quickly, Clarke left Raven’s side and flew to Madi to check her injury. It was just a graze. It needed two maybe three stitches at most. But, it was too close for Clarke’s comfort. It remained an insignificant wound simply because of the thicker jacket she currently wore and the location of her side. A pocket protected her further. If it had been anywhere else or if she had decided the heat was too much. Everyone here would be seeing a very different scene. 

Kara, uncaring and frustrated with everyone here, refused to comfort anyone saying, “Eligius were shooting at us. It is good only a simple graze was the worst of the injuries. We should be going, and you should be on your way too.” 

Bringing her limited medical supplies, she patched up her daughter as much as she could before she engaged with Kara, “I won’t be going on that trip just yet.” 

Furious at the obvious display of disobedience of Blodreina, Kara yelled, “No! She sent you here to do a job, and now you have to do it.” 

Unfazed, Clarke stood from where she crouched and looked Cooper right in the eye saying, “You have to get back to Octavia, and Madi can’t be driving with her injury especially not when I can’t stitch her up here.” 

“She drove us this far.”

Not having blinked once, she continued, “She shouldn’t have been driving then, and I am not letting her drive now. I’ll be taking you back. I’ll leave the next morning.” 

She packed up her things as she watched Murphy and Raven follow her without arguing. She added, “Besides if they were shooting at you already, it means they are more prepared for an attack then we thought. Octavia might want to regroup without that information.” 

Feeling momentary satisfaction, she nodded at Madi to follow her and everyone except Kara fell in line. They marched to the rover as efficiently as they could with their injuries. Clarke aided Raven and Madi into the back of the rover before sliding into the driver’s seat herself. 

Kara still hadn’t moved. 

Murphy seized this moment to situate himself into the passenger’s seat. He only sat himself down once he taunted Kara with a sly breathy laugh and a cool pose as he balanced himself on the door, arm dangling out the window, “You can stay and melt in the desert because this ride is leaving with or without you.” 

It was then Kara found her feet stepping one in front of the other until she settled herself in the back as Raven moved herself to make room. As they rearranged themselves, Madi turned to look at Clarke and saw nothing but coldness. Raven and Murphy knew it well and as they saw Madi recoil at this new sight, they gulped down their worry and bit down their fear. Kara had awoken a beast who had laid dormant for years and now hungered for a way out. 

They remained in silence despite Murphy’s constant need to release the tension with a joke. Sometimes, Raven would laugh just to avoid the awkwardness of everything. Madi even giggled once though her mirth was tangled in disappointment.

Seconds relayed into a minute before she said in a rather sombre tone, “I thought you would be funnier.” She continued speaking directly at Clarke, “You said he was funnier.” 

Noticing Murphy’s pout, Clarke snickered, “Don’t worry. You’ll find him funny eventually. Give it a few weeks, and he’ll have you crying from laughing so hard.” She momentarily shifted her eyes of what’s ahead to take a peek at Murphy, “He’s an acquired taste.” 

Everyone held grins at that one except Kara. 

Hours passed, and finally, the camp came into full view. No surprise, Monty and Harper were the first to dare meet the rover. They stopped a few yards away, and before Clarke could even open her door, they had already immersed Murphy in a hug.

A smile on her face, she noted the happiness radiating off them as they helped Raven out the back. Even seeing Madi brought them joy. The time with them before they arrived at camp must have been enough for them to see and love what she saw and loved in Madi. Still, the lack of reaction to her now and when they first saw her caged her in her isolation, jarred her in a way only six years away could. Despite Monty’s good intentions, he constantly reminded her his words meant nothing when his actions prove otherwise. 

She loved them all, but their family burned to ashes. She could only hope that they too would rise with time from those ashes. 

Everyone eventually travelled from the rover to the tents and dispersed to go to the prospective locations. Kara, without speaking, marched her way to debrief with Octavia. Murphy and Raven ambled their way to where Monty and Harper set up their tent. 

Watching them settle, Clarke gently grabbed Madi saying, “Come on. We need to stitch you up.” 

They walked to the medbay as eyes stared at them. Confused by all the looks, Madi turned to question Clarke about it, “Why’s everyone looking at us like we hid dinner?” 

Attempting to sooth Madi, Clarke rubbed her back and said, “I don’t know, but don’t you worry about it. I’m sure it’s nothing.” 

Scrambling, Clarke almost carried Madi to the medbay to avoid any more of the murderous glares thrown their way. She knew the reason why, and she would fight tooth and nail to keep her daughter safe especially with her injury still so new. 

Embracing the quiet of the tent, she signalled Madi to sit. Observing the tense nature of Clarke’s movement, Madi, uncharacteristically, followed suit without much protest. She cringed as her mother worked on her wounds and thought about everything that could possibly cause so much stress for her. She very much noticed Clarke was on a mission when they all came back to camp, and whatever that mission was still needed to be completed. 

Ten minutes passed when Clarke finally announced she was all done. Madi readjusted herself to leave for a meeting she was supposed to attend the minute she got back to camp. She reached the entrance before turning around to ask Clarke, “Do you want me to send Murphy and Raven for a checkup?” 

Clarke, already working on a new project of folding bandages, looked up, a grin on her face, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Please send them my way.” 

Madi nodded and went on her way. 

Busying herself with the bandages until she heard Raven and Murphy make their way to her, she stepped to them with the tenderness of a mother saying, “Just sit right there. I’ll be checking over you properly…unless you want to wait for Jackson?” 

Murphy plopped himself down and said, “Why would I want a Griffin shadow when I can get a Griffin?” Smirking even wider, he carried on, “Besides, you were good enough before. I can’t imagine you’ve gotten worse since the end of the world.” 

Attempting to keep her composure, she replied, “Alright then, let’s see those burns.” 

She worked on Murphy in silence. It wasn’t until she got to Raven that the conversation started flowing. They spoke about the ring mostly as they helped Clarke piece together the memories of the reasons why her jagged edges do not fit anymore with the only puzzle of which she dreamed to be a part. 

She brought forth the lessons she knew held no weight, but she needed in this second. She froze the hurt in her chest and painted love on her lips. Behind her eyes were nothing but the walls she built years ago, worn yet sturdy. They did not need to hear of the pain being left behind caused her. They did not need to hear of the loneliness she still felt even though everyone was now on the ground with her. They did not need to hear of all the bruises and scars she collected as she gripped on to them with all her might when they lived in peace with each other away from any harm learning to live without her. 

Harper found them in the middle of a story about Emori’s first time using Raven’s tools. She inserted herself cautiously as she did not want to disturb them especially when Harper came to realize she never thought about sharing her time on the ring with Clarke. Still, she feared Wonkru’s wrath more than she hated to change the subject. 

She waited for them to turn her way to say, “Octavia wants to see all of you when you get the chance.” She saw them nod, and she walked toward them slowly but with purpose. “Emori wasn’t the only one scared, you know. The thought of someone other than Raven messing around in there frightened me. I didn’t want anything exploding.” 

Raven chuckled, “Yeah, I was a little scared too, but I needed someone to help me out, and I wasn’t about it ask any of you. I’ve seen what you can all do. It wasn’t good enough, and Emori was curious.” 

The tension caused by the mentioning of Octavia was released with each laugh. Eventually, Clarke stood and declared, “We should probably go. We don’t want to keep Octavia waiting.” She led all of them out of the medbay and into the briefing meeting. 

Once there, they saw they were the last to arrive as Monty, Emori, Echo and Bellamy crowded the left side of the tent as Indra and Kara flanked Octavia on the right side. The rest of them huddled in the middle to complete the circle. No one dared to move until Octavia commenced the conversation with a look intended to intimidate sent straight to Clarke. 

Displeased to see someone so deliberately disobey her and unaccustomed to such display of disrespect, Octavia began with a subvert threat saying, “I thought your recon assignment had already started, so what are you doing here?” 

Unfazed, Clarke held her gaze, “It did, but there were some developments that required a change of plans as I am sure Kara has told you.” 

“I don’t think I gave permission for you to do that.”

Flickering her eyes back and forth, Raven interceded for Clarke, “Hey, we needed someone to drive us back, so I don’t see what the big deal is…”

Clarke stepped forward cutting Raven’s rant in order to protect her from Octavia’s ire and said, “I made a call, and if you think that was a bad call, I’m sure we can talk about that. But, right now, we have much bigger problems. People were shooting at them as they were headed out which means recon is going to be harder than we originally thought.” 

Bellamy wanted to insert himself to prevent a fight from breaking out, but Indra beat him to the punch. Her voice soothing with wisdom announced, “Yes, Cooper mentioned the unexpected attack on them. We are indeed thinking about changing the tactic.”

Octavia nodded, “Yes, we want to send you with someone else. We originally wanted to send you alone and without the rover so you can be more discreet, but that may be more dangerous than helpful at this point if they are already securing the outside perimeter. There is no point in sending someone on a recon mission if they die before we get the information.” 

Indra butted in, “We are going to send two people in the rover and two radios. One of you can stay in the rover for a quick getaway if needed. That way one of you can get back in case of an attack, so no information goes on without being shared with us.” 

Octavia continued, “We just need a volunteer to send with you, Clarke?” 

Before anyone could really process the ins and outs of the new plan, Murphy raised his hand declaring, “I’ll go.” 

Raven jerked back with her angry yells vibrating in the room, “Are you kidding me!” She pulled Murphy to her, “We just got away from them, and now, you want to go back!”

Murphy pulled himself out of her grip very much aware of her sensitivity both physically and emotionally, “Yeah which is why I should go. I know them and I know the valley better than anyone that isn’t Clarke or the hobbit.” 

Emori, her heart lurching in her chest, said, “John…” 

Looking at Octavia, Murphy continued pointing at Raven and himself, “We’ve been inside of their facilities for a while. We know them better than anyone else here. And, because of the torture, Raven can’t exactly be sneaky right now.” 

Disapproval at the idea of Murphy spread throughout the tent, but Octavia paid no mind to such emotional responses. There was logic in Murphy’s volunteerism.

Not that it stopped Bellamy from voicing his discontentment about it all, “No. You just got back and you said so yourself, you were tortured. There is no way you are going back there.” 

Annoyed, Murphy twisted toward Bellamy before using his famous snark in a low and rather irate manner that pierced Bellamy in the place Murphy knew would hurt the most, “All I’ve got are burn marks on my neck. They aren’t any worse than the ones on Clarke’s neck. If she can go, I can go.” He turned and marched to stand next to Clarke, strong and tall, signalling he was more than willing to put his life on the line just as much as Clarke was, “I can go. We can go.” 

Octavia nodded her approval, “Good. You both will head out as soon as Cooper finishes sorting your rations, so you can pack for your trip.’ She left with Indra and Kara lined up behind her leaving the rest of them alone in the tent. 

Murphy avoided eye contact with everyone else and stared directly at Clarke, “Let me know when you want to head.” 

Tipping her head to him, Clarke said, “You should let Jackson get a good look at you before we leave. He may have something for those burns that could be useful.” 

Nodding, he made his way over to the exist only stopping when he heard Clarke call his name. He turned to see her eyes so very different from what he was used to reminding him of the time so long ago where desperate broken hearts searched for an answer in a shiny lab. 

“Thanks.”

Giving one last smirk, he said, “Yeah, well, us cockroaches should stick together.” 

Clarke offered a shorten chuckle in reply, “See you in an hour. Don’t be late.” 

Murphy left in search of Jackson.

Raven’s mouth gaped open fury raging in her eyes, “Clarke, you know exactly what these people are capable of. You’re just going to let Murphy go? You’re just going to go?” 

Sighing, Clarke calmly tried to explain to Raven how mixed up everything was in her head, how she wanted to keep all of them safe, but she just kept seeing Madi with a bullet wound. There were no words, so she said this instead, “Raven, I have to go. If I don’t Octavia will at the very least banish me and at the worst kill me. And, if Murphy wants to help, I’m in no position to deny that help.” 

Raven exclaimed, “You can’t just go out there, Clarke! You’ve done enough! Let stupid Cooper go, or Indra or anyone else!” 

Monty stepped in, “She can’t. Murphy’s right. Clarke knows this place better than anyone even Eligius. Octavia won’t let anyone take her place.”

Raven’s eyes searched for someone to fight with her, to fight for Clarke but all she found was resignation. Eyes blazing and heart knocking on her ribcage, Raven stomped out of the tent as much as her body would permit. 

Shoulders just a bit slumped, Emori exhaled, “I got this.” Before leaving, she hugged Clarke, “You better be careful. Look out for him.” She left to find her friend. 

Harper gave a small hopeful grin to Clarke before leaving the tent herself, and Monty, still hesitant and yearning to say something that could put an end to all of this followed his girlfriend’s lead only giving Clarke a sharp nod of comradery. He had already told Clarke exactly how he felt. There was no need to rehash it, relive it all. Echo attempted to send some comforting sign to Clarke, but her worry about the whole thing overtook her. She knew her relationship with Clarke weighed little in the grand scheme of things, and she too already said her piece. Saying nothing, she existed. 

Bellamy remained stoic, pensive as if his lost dreams and forgotten thoughts held the key to the magic kingdom. Once he dared to glance at Clarke, the walls of his dam could no longer contain everything he kept hidden for years. 

He started, “You can’t take Murphy. It’s not a good idea.” 

Clarke closed her eyes and breathed, “Maybe not, but it’s the best we got.” 

Raising his voice just a little, he said, “He just got out of being tortured and was shot at. He shouldn’t go. He's trying to play a hero to make up for his time on the ring.” 

She zeroed in on his worry for Murphy. Her voiced stung of a motherly love with which Bellamy should be familiar. This powerful and mystic sense of protection coated in so much fury, “I know. Madi was there. She actually was injured, unlike Murphy.” 

Blinking, Bellamy stopped momentarily before finding his footing to continue, “I know, and I’m sorry. But, Madi’s smart. She clearly can take care of herself.” 

Jerking back at his haphazard apology about her daughter’s life, she puffed her chest and words banged out with the purpose of punching, “She shouldn’t have been there at all, and she wouldn’t have been there if you hadn’t insisted she could be a part of all these missions.” 

Pushing back, Bellamy stood his ground, “Yeah, Octavia wanted her to do it and Madi wanted to do it. If I disagreed, it would have put everyone else at risk. I wasn’t about to give Octavia reason to make an enemy out of us.” 

“Right, because they’re your family.” 

The manner in which she said it made Bellamy defensive. It felt like she spat out poison, bitter and enraged. He stepped toward her, “Yeah, they are my family, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep them safe. I thought you of all people would understand that!” 

Equally defensive now, she tried to make herself more prominent, bigger, to prove her point, “I do. I get it. I understand that you will do anything for them. But, Madi got hurt. So, while you've been trying to protect your family, Bellamy, you almost destroyed mine.” Tears threatened to free themselves as her voice trembled on the last phrase before she turned to leave. 

Bellamy reached out to her grabbing her arm saying, “That’s not fair, Clarke.” 

Snatching her arm away from him, her voice resembled a low war drum warning those of the battle to come, “You know what’s not fair. You saying that I am important to you, and then, doing all of this like that meant nothing.” 

Voice shaking and desperate, he said, “Clarke, you are important. You are.”

She disregarded his pleas and pressed on, “No, not in a way that matters. I’m important because I make the hard choices. I’m the one that gets blood on my hands even if it's my own.” Eyes closing to refrain from crying outwardly, she choked as she attempted to finish, “I’m not important to you the way they are, and I get it now, my place. I’m the one that does the killing. I’m not the one you kill for.” 

Her eyes were glazed over as tragedy touched her cheeks as she danced herself away from the shatters of herself she sang for him, but he couldn’t let her go not like this, not when she barely let him speak, to defend himself, to show her how wrong she was. He hadn't had the time to readjust to her new living self. 

He muttered riddles as he struggled to detangle all of his thoughts from his heartbeats. The head and the heart were never meant to work together like this at this moment, “Clarke, that’s…that’s not true. It’s just…let me explain. I’m sorry that wasn’t, I wasn’t…I’m sorry, okay. Just, just don’t…”

Frustrated and tired and ready to be done with all of it, she stopped fighting her tears and let them run generously now. Arms in the air, she gasped a question unready for the answer, for the outcome she so wanted to avoid, “What do you want from me! Huh, what could you possibly want?” 

She pushed further away from him and he stumbled back, her voice booming, pulsing in the air as it abolished whatever resolve either of them had, “I’ve already given you everything! My skills! My voice! My reason! My humanity! My life! I have nothing left! What more could you want from me?” 

She paused only to catch her breath before throwing it back to him filled with resentment and something akin to hate, “Forgiveness? Is that what you want? Is that what you need, Bellamy? Forgiveness?” 

She inhaled and her shallow breaths calmed her enough for her tone to be quiet and wrecked rather than loud and steady, “I can’t. I…I can’t forgive you. Because I could forgive your stupidity when we first got to the ground. I could forgive you killing hundreds of grounders. I could forgive you leaving me behind for six years. I did forgive all of those things, and it was easy. It was so easy. But this…this I don’t think I can forgive.” 

His face contorted into anguish and brokenness in a way Clarke had never seen before now despite everything they had survived together. He knew and she knew this instance marked the end of something to which they never envisioned they would wave goodbye. 

Mouth opened to say something, Bellamy witnessed Clarke walking away from him not knowing if she was ever returning home to him, to his arms like she did all those years ago when he was young and still angry, still fighting with her and for her. He already received his miracle when blue eyes met brown eyes outside of his nightmares, and he wasted it away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so long! I had an injury which means I couldn't write for 2 weeks, and then it was really hard to get back into the swing of things. On top of that, this chapter was just so hard. I am still not thrilled with it, but if I keep messing with it, I don't think I will ever post it. So, here it is! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Miller knew Wonkru appeared too drastically loyal to a young woman who may or may not be deserving of such loyalty. He knew how he seemed to his friends, to Bellamy. They trusted him from the beginning, and now, they feared him. Their eyes shifted uncomfortably every time they crossed his. It hurt to experience how different they saw him, how different they reacted to him. 

They just did not understand the horror of the Dark Year, and he knew the selfish part of him resented them for their ability to look at this world without fear tingling inside their bellies the way it motivated the rest of them. Even Clarke held this deep seeded fear inside her trailing behind her every movement. She understood that better than the others. She suffered in ways the others did not in their own safe heaven in space. All metal and isolated from the horrendous parts humanity learned to use. 

Still, witnessing their smiles and gentle reminders of all the inside jokes stopped the resentment in his chest as it fluttered with gratitude. They had experienced enough pain on the ground to last a lifetime. It may not be fair that he and so many others faced more of the darkness in the bunker, but it was wrong of him to wish such things on them. He knew what the Dark Year carried with it, heavy in his memories and in his heart. 

Turning to see Jackson speaking with Murphy, he confronted another reminder of the changes time can have on people. John Murphy once hated and removed from the others, now took his place among them with a protective pride. The great sense of determination mixed with the chaos that followed him wherever he went almost overtook the whole image of a rather beaten man. Still, even the black and blue blistering on his skin could not mistake him for a weak man as he stood tall and attentive. 

Jackson’s voice spoke softly, “I don’t have enough for you to take with you, but the small amount you have on now should make the healing process much easier and faster. I would recommend not going, but I know Blodreina has already sanctioned the mission.” 

Murphy nodded, “Well, someone has to go with Clarke. She shouldn’t be going either, but here we are.” 

Seeing Jackson’s discomfort at the harshness of Murphy’s rather obvious accusation, Miller announced himself, “Yeah, well, Clarke’s not in charge anymore. So, she follows orders just like everyone else. She the best for the job.” 

Smirk in place like it always was, Murphy sneered pleasantly enough for it to come off as one of his stupid little jokes, “Yeah, so I heard, and guess what! So, am I…who would have thought your survival would depend on me.” 

Jaw tensing, Miller felt the heat rising on his face as Murphy flaunted the trust he now earned from the people he once considered family before the world ended and hell welcomed him with open arms underground. He simply wanted to survive, and as he saw Murphy marching out to face the enemy with Clarke, he barely heard Jackson’s reassurances as blood pumped in his eardrums and all he heard was war. 

Murphy attempted to forget the watchful eye Miller placed on him, but the more he saw of Wonkru the more he grew tired of it. He was never one to understand fanatics, yet all he witnessed since arriving at camp was blinded trust and loyalty. 

Eyes peered, he searched for Clarke, so they could get a move on. Instead, he caught sight of Echo speaking with Octavia having Indra shadowing them both in rather hushed tones. Quick whispers transformed into swift actions as Echo marched away and Octavia and Indra nodded to each other in understanding. Octavia straightened herself before leaving Indra alone to catch up with Echo’s rather long purposeful strides. 

Stomach twisting, Murphy narrowed in on them as he walked forward where Clarke had parked the rover. If only he could hear exactly what they exchanged with each other. He only had his assumptions and intuition telling him something was afoot, something not quite sinister yet something rather wrong. 

He encountered the rover as his mind sped through all the possibilities of what Octavia could want. He may have only been here for a mere couple of hours, but he was not the idiot most people pictured of him. He may not be as clever as Raven or Monty and he may not be as capable as Emori or even Echo, but he had something they all did not have, a knack for staying alive. 

He knew a traitor when he saw one. 

Finding no one at the rover, he leaned on the side waiting for Clarke to appear trying to riddle out exactly what was happening and how he was going to insert himself into the new order. The chaos allowed for him to use his talents the way space never did. 

Fidgeting more and more, he looked up to see Indra and Echo stepping toward him as if discussing plans together. He balanced himself off the rover and into the tallest he could make himself. 

Painting a well-rehearsed smirk living between friendly and off-putting, Murphy swayed his way to meet them halfway saying, “Can I help you, ladies?” 

Indra, unfazed by his abrasiveness, said, “Echo brought a concern to Octavia about sending you and Clarke alone. As neither of you is a well-trained fighter, she felt it may be better if someone else went with Clarke.” 

Standing his ground, he never blinked, “No, I said I would go with her, and I will especially seeing as I actually have information that can help.” Looking at Echo now, he pointed to her, “Besides, Echo, you trained me.” 

Echo confronted him, “Yeah, and you never really took to it especially near the end.” She emphasized her last two words to rile him up, to snatch his confidence from under him, to let him know she remembered and would not soon forget the last six months of difficulties he caused them before landing on Earth again.

Focused and unaffected by her words, Murphy did not let it go, “I’m going.” 

With a mixture of boredom and annoyance, Indra declared, “You and I will both go with Clarke. Octavia agrees you and Clarke both need to go, but Echo’s assessment was also something that Octavia recognizes. It’s why I will go with you.” 

Murphy sized her up before nodding in agreement, but before he could turn to claim his seat as a passenger, he heard Echo say, “I want to be the one to go. I am sure Octavia would be better off with you here with her as her adviser, and I am more than capable of taking care of them and myself.” With a pause, she continued with a fervor to let Indra know she was going on the trip no matter what Indra or Octavia would say, “Besides, it was my idea, and I want to see it through.” 

Indra, hard and unmoved by her words, stood strong waiting for her to reason beyond the weak pleas of not wanting someone from Wonkru near her people in such isolated conditions. Indra may not understand Echo fully, but she grasped the inherent need to protect and to insert herself physically to combat the need to remain loyal and feel useful. No words were given by either woman as the same blood laid beneath their skin. 

The standstill ended once Clarke approached them with plenty of supplies including weapons and what appeared as junk to the other three. 

She said, “Murphy are you ready?” 

Head tilting, he replied in the positive before adding, “Except apparently one of them is going to tag along, but they are fighting over the honor of coming with us.” Hand in the air, he continued, “Just play rock, paper, scissors or something.” He turned to leave them behind wanting to ensure he gets the passenger seat. 

Cool with eyes burning them with indifference, Clarke took them in with a voice of authority she rarely had reason to use, “I assume Octavia wants you to come with us, Indra. So, you better find a spot in the rover.” 

Indra acknowledged her and afterwards, she moved her eyes to lock with Echo’s expression of disappointment. Hesitant to leave her alone with Clarke, she waited to see if they would step together. Sensing no movement from her, Indra went her way. 

Echo grabbed the opportunity to reproach Clarke saying, “I should be the one that goes with you. Indra is not one that should be trusted to do right by the two of you. Clarke, I know you may not…” 

Hand in the air signalling for her to halt, Clarke interrupted, “I know what it is like to kill for your people, for it to seem like you have no other choice. I don’t blame you, and I don’t hate you for it. I meant what I said Echo. Whoever you are now is worth loving.” 

Echo’s face transformed as her eyes widened and prickled with tears. Blinking her confusion from her mind attempting to regain her faculties to converse with reason, Echo opened her month but her tongue was tangled with awe and disconnected from all the words spiralling in her thoughts. 

Clarke did not stop for Echo to catch her breath, “Besides, I need you to make sure everything here doesn’t go to shambles. I don’t trust anyone else to give Octavia the truth. Bellamy may try, but he is way too close. Can you do that?” 

Unable to find her voice, she nodded. 

“Good. We have to go. Best of luck here.” Clarke backed away with each word still facing Echo before turning as she was done to march directly to the driver seat and not a minute later they were off into the desert. 

Silence entered through the driver seat and stayed for most of the journey into the wasteland. Even Murphy with his quips and snark respected the tension and stilled his tongue while his bones settled into the newfound suspicion.

It was not until the reached the outer rim of green when Clarke stopped that Murphy reexamined everything before him attempting to navigate the landmine he was about to enter. Indra with all her intimidation lurked behind him as if to pounce at the sign of unwanted movement, and Clarke with all her determination hovered over him as if to proclaim both her dominance and defence of him. 

Both women epitomized everything Murphy admired in an ally—strengthen of will and clever of wit, but only one had proven herself as to be trusted. Not to discredit Indra, but Clarke held his faith in a manner others merely could not even Bellamy. 

Still not daring to speak, he simply waited for the women to take control, to launch themselves into the fire before them. He never declared himself brave or he would have taken the silence as an invitation to drag the world in the mud often thrown at his face. He waited for a better entrance than the one silence granted him. For once in his life, he wanted to do something better than he thought he was able. 

He peered over at Clarke as her eyes longed to trust someone other than the ghosts of her memories haunting her as they breathed on the ground once more. He peered over at her as her eyes drooped with weariness and the burden of the lives she had taken and the lives she saved and the lives yet to be determined. He peered over at her as her eyes whispered a story of never-to-be-forgotten truths buried with time and the sand of the wasteland. 

He peered over at her, and he knew all the screw-ups of space no longer mattered. He wanted to do something better the way Clarke always thought he could. 

So, he kept the quiet. He kept it as a promise to Clarke that he would always listen—listen and be on her side even when the world roared and withered declaring she was wrong. She deserved that amount of loyalty from him. 

He only hoped he would not betray the family he found among the stars. 

The engine off, Clarke finally said, “We should make a better plan than what we had at camp.” Pulling a map from her things, she flattened in front of them and began to explain where it might be best to enter. Indra gave her opinion based upon Cooper’s observations and suggestions, and Murphy only spoke when it came to giving a firsthand experience of the type of weapons he saw and experienced, the type of people they were. 

Together, they decided to walk the rest of the way and live the rover in a cave not to far from the outskirts of the valley. Seeing the map was rather detailed and well-executed with years of exploration, Clarke, though still uneased at the thought, concurred that taking turns venturing into Eden was wise. It would be worse if she did everything on her own while misusing Indra’s skills obtained by years of experience and Murphy’s rather astute resourcefulness and uncanny ability to remain alive. 

She could learn things from them much more than they could from her. 

Settled, she and Murphy began to make their way to the greenery leaving Indra the first watch of the cave as she contacted Octavia with a full overview of the plan and how long it should take them. Most importantly, Clarke understood the need to remove Murphy to allow Indra privacy to speak with Blodreina without his imprudence. 

Indra exchanged her fearsome gaze with Clarke’s rather steady one. She knew exactly the message Indra attempted to convey with no words passing through her lips, and Clarke sent an acknowledgement without giving an acceptance of what was to come. She knew Murphy would not want to participate. He would intervene out of a strange sense of loyalty, of a twisted type of heroism he felt he needed to display. 

He always thought he needed to catch up with the rest of them, to make up for all his wrongdoings. He did not comprehend if there was a once of truth to the sentiment he had already done enough to repay whatever debts he felt he owed. 

Still, as they marched into the trees searching for firewood, he danced with a deliberateness of a man on a hunt. Each step slowly touching dirt afraid to make even the most natural of noises. He watched her carefully as he studies her movements to mirror them perfectly. 

Murphy remained quiet in a way that worried Clarke, so she inhaled filling her lungs with the taste of musk and confidence before saying, “So, tell me.” Reaching down to grab a branch adequate to burn, she straightened herself to notice Murphy had stopped to look at her. 

“Tell you what?” 

Motherly concern covered her face as her brows furrowed and her lips thinned but her eyes twinkled with such genuine care. It moved Murphy in an unfamiliar way as his chest tightened and his breath hitched at such a sign of worry. It had been a while since love was shown to him so outwardly, and even Bellamy’s devotion had never been so soft and kind.   
She did not whisper but her words were so tender it sounded more like a hum from a lullaby as she watched dreamless sleep touch her child, “Tell me what happened on the ring that has you so up in arms like you have to prove yourself.” 

He wanted to hide beneath his jokes, but something about Clarke’s voice pushed his snide back into his throat as honesty bubbled to the surface and spilt in his words, “I messed up. I messed up, and I don’t know how to fix it. But this is a good place to start.” 

His stride quickened and lost its purposefulness, and Clarke understood he no longer wanted to talk about it. So, she gathered her things and followed him back to Indra. 

By the time, they reached the cave. Indra had finished her discussion with Octavia and sat by the entrance waiting for them to return. Murphy dropped his batch moving to allow for Clarke to do the same. With everything on the ground, he kneeled to help start the fire. Having some trouble, Clarke effortlessly created a spark and smoke soon filled his nostrils. A small flame roared to life and warmth tickled his skin. 

Indra, seeing the fire steadily growing, drove the conversation to strategy, “Blodreina wants us to start early tomorrow on our rounds. She said we should take today to set up camp and assess the surrounding area as best we can in case we did not pack enough rations.” 

Clarke responded without hesitation as she tended to the fire, “I have a few snares set up around the parameter of the valley, but most animals don’t come this far out. There are a few edible plants that should supplement our rations if we need them.” 

Under his breath, Murphy said, “Great, more plants. Hopefully, these are better than Monty’s algae.” 

Ignoring him, Clarke turned to look at Indra, “We should decide who will take the first round.” She pulled the map out, “Indra, I think you and I should cover all this…” she pointed to a carefully crafted design of lines and x’s, “…according to Kara and Murphy they were here when they were attacked. It’s about 2 klicks away from the village. We are about 4.” 

Indra soaked it all in and commented, “We need to be closer to observe them see what we need to ambush them.” 

Murphy said before Clarke could continue, “They’re twisted. They have at least 200 people on board. Some of them didn’t wake up from cyro…something went Raven did mess with their vitals or something. I don’t know.” Shrugging, he averted looking right at them as he carried on, “Those that are left are all murderers of some sort and trust me, they like the fact that they are murderers.” 

Neither Clarke nor Indra knew how to respond to Murphy’s input, but Murphy knew how to keep the conversation going. He said, “Good thing is they aren’t all very smart. They don’t know how to be sneaky or maybe they don’t care because they think they already won.” 

Indra narrowed her eyes saying, “They have yet to see Wonkru fight.” 

Pulling a tiny book from her things, Clarke sighed, “That may be true, but even Wonkru can’t just win from pure aggression.” She opened the book to a page full of notes from when she previously observed Eligius and pointed to the detailed drawings of the weapons she was able to see and some of which she experienced firsthand, “Their technology is far superior. I don’t even know what some of these are or what they do.” 

Indra grabbed the book and examined it dutifully. As her lips pursed, her eyes fluttered closed and her heart thumped. Dead bodies piled in her mind as she visualized the massacre they were sure to face if Octavia’s plan for war was fully realized. Those images filled her with every sense of dread as she began to cough in a futile attempt to cleanse her mouth of the blood she could always taste, the blood she could never forget—all rusty and warm on her tongue. 

Murphy snatched the book from Indra and peeked at the drawings. Seeing one with a question mark next to it, he clarified something, “This one is some sort of sonic sound thing. It uses sound waves or something to blow things up. I don’t know. Raven would be better to have for this sort of thing, but we overheard them talking about it.” 

Clarke looked at the drawing. A memory flashed through her head as she dived to save Madi from a blast. The ringing in her eyes somehow presented themselves at the simple reminder. It drowned her as if she were there again running for her life, for Madi’s life. Her throat began to close as her head throbbed. Loneliness and desperation crept into her chest. With so much filling her mind, she barely uttered softly in a way to show she was drifting to another place and time, “I remember.” 

Both Murphy and Indra stared at her, mouths slightly opened and eyes narrowed in. They both knew the appearance of someone disappearing into their nightmares. Indra stilled while Murphy reached out to ease Clarke back to this reality. 

Blinking, Clarke jerked at the touch on her arm. She took her companions in and turned to check on the entrance, “We should rest. I can take first watch.” 

Murphy budded in, “No, you drove us all the way here. I’ll take first watch.” 

Heart still pounding, Clarke nearly jumped in her denial saying, “No! You just went through two trips from the valley and back. Plus, whatever happened in the village. No, you need rest more than anyone Murphy.” 

“Clarke…” 

Seeing the endless void of the conversation, Indra said, “No, Clarke is right. Murphy, you need to rest.” With that, she turned to face Clarke, “He is also right. You also need to rest. I will take first watch. Clarke shall take the second. Murphy will take the third.” 

Her voice peeled back any authority Clarke may have had and replaced it with her own. Both of them nodded, and Indra marched toward the entrance as the others stood in the silence slowly shifting to find a comfortable place to sleep. 

Sleep never came easily, and now that she was surrounded by people she may or not be able to trust, it slipped through her fingers. She dozed off only to be yanked back to alertness by this nervousness she kept nursing. A few hours passed going in and out of consciousness. Eventually, she relented and ambled her way to where Indra set up her watch. 

Cautiously, she sat next to her neither of them looking directly at the other. Both simply admired the stars dusting the night sky as the crescent moon sparkled enough to remind Clarke of the time before humanity once again crowded the ground with all their problems. There was peace in an abstract way, in a way where there were not enough people to cause war, in a deserted way only being left behind could cause. 

Quiet had a way of easing worries or deepening them. While the night twinkled into rays of light linking the trees, Indra and Clarke began an understanding between one another. The darkness they both encountered lived in their actions and died in their words. The Dark Year became a mantra that followed Wonkru, and the isolation became the enemy Clarke could never outsmart. 

They accompanied one another for a couple more hours until Indra said, “I know what we are asking of you is not fair, and I know that if you had it your way, Octavia would be dead by now. But, I wanted to thank you for doing it anyway.” 

Clarke wanted to flinch and scream and to go back for her daughter and leave them all to rot. All that stopped her was Harper’s pleas cursing her as selfish. All that stopped her was Madi’s face full of life asking her to help her people. All that stopped her was Bellamy’s friendship saving her from ruin once upon a time. 

“I’m not doing it for you or her or for any of them. My daughter wants to help you, and if I hadn’t come…God knows what Blodreina would have done to her.” 

Hurt by her words, Indra wanted nothing more than deny them, to tell Clarke how wrong she was about Octavia and Wonkru in general, to reassure her of Madi’s safety among them. Lies never came effortlessly for Indra, so the story her mind invented to sooth Clarke trapped itself in her throat. Nothing could be done about what happened to the woman she loved like her child for Indra was a mother. 

She knew how her heart and Clarke’s now danced to a different song, a rhythm tethering her to another human being in an extremely permanent way. If something happened to said other being, to their daughters, they, as mothers, would gradually disintegrate much like the globe did during primfaya. 

The end of the world did not kill them, but any harm to their daughters would. 

Clarke peeked over her shoulder to see Murphy still sleeping. She said, “You can’t tell him. I know this big recon mission was meant for a cover-up which would have worked if he hadn’t volunteered. So, now, we have to get it all done without telling him.”

Indra added eyes ahead with her hands intertwined and her elbows resting on her knees, “Shouldn’t be a problem especially since Echo stayed behind. He should be easier to control.” 

A dry chuckle meant to highlight how little comfort Clarke found in Indra’s dismissal of him sounded, “People who underestimate John Murphy don’t usually last as long as they think. Besides, there’s a reason why he’s still alive when everything has been rigged against him since the start.” She paused to force Indra to look her in the eye, to ensure Indra understood what he meant to her, “He’s smarter than you think.” 

Nodding, Indra said, “I’ll keep that in mind. We shall keep him here as much as we can.” 

Clarke flicked her eyes toward the ground signalling she agreed despite the ache of pushing her friend aside and the rejection he would be sure to feel. Murphy possessed a strange sense of loyalty to the people he loved although he claimed this persona of heartlessness. Doing this to him would hurt. 

Clarke closed her eyes, inhaled, and breathed out, “Good. The sun is coming up. You should sleep for an hour or two before we head out.” 

“I won’t get much, but I’ll try. Unlike you, I have had some good nights of sleep.” 

She got up and left Clarke alone with her thoughts. Only a handful of people knew what this mission was meant to do, and as she remembered Monty imploring her to stay, she wondered if Bellamy knew. If he was aware of what he sent her out to do when he so calmly endangered her family without much hesitation. 

Octavia knew. Indra knew. Kara Cooper knew. Monty knew. Maybe, Harper knew half of the story, not the full intentions. Everyone else thought it was recon, observe and report, nothing more and nothing less from them. 

She had mentioned the books she read in Becca’s lab. How she fixed the rover and made bullets and survived. It was a brief rather impersonal story, one that did not make her tingle from anxiety. That story plus her notes created an opportunity for a clean win for Wonkru. 

Octavia asked Monty to engineer a solution since Raven was gone. Between the two of them, they would make the world go bomb one last time killing everything in a contained radius, no more than one klick all around. Now, everyone who could be a possible ally gone. Today would be the best day to go on as planned. Who knew when there would be such perfect timing, such a perfect opening. 

Sun shining a little bit brighter, Clarke gathered her things. Hands shaking, her lungs cried out for more air then her shallow breaths granted. She never wanted to die not even for her people, but she would if she had to. 

Standing straight, she glanced at Indra and Murphy. Walking up to them, she kicked Murphy near his knee, “Time to wake up, Murphy.” 

“Five more minutes, Mom!” 

Clarke snorted waking up Indra. Seeing both of them stirring and rising, Clarke fixed her bag on her shoulder and walked toward the exist. Each step was slow and unsure as she knew it would take her closer to death. 

Picturing Madi safe with Monty surely on her side, Clarke grew steadier with each second until she heard Murphy’s hurried stomps. 

He said, “So, what’s the plan for today.” 

Halting, she refused to face him. She simply waited for him to reach her as she noticed Indra’s quieter footsteps following his. She needed to be firm. She could not let Murphy change her mind or the plan. 

They flanked her, Murphy on her right and Indra on her left. Once they reached her, Clarke glanced up at Indra hoping she can muster some courage from her strength. Eyes dark and lips thin, Indra’s face held no solace. She only saw the lines of devastation and duty etched into her skin deepened with time and motherhood. 

Motherhood united them both now as enemies transformed into comrades attempting to save the people they loved most. 

Sighing, Clarke gathered enough of her grit to say, “Indra and I are going out today. We will be back before dark, just a few hours. Once we are back, we will reconvene.”

Indra gave a curt nod, redirected herself to where she slept and collected her things. She walked back to the other two before looking to Clarke to see if she were ready to leave. 

Readjusting her pack, Clarke said, “Murphy, you’ll keep an eye on here. If anything happens, use the radio. Get back to camp.” She went on to explain how to work the rover, a refresher course on how to drive and where to go. “Hopefully, you won’t get lost. If you do, call Madi. She may be able to help you.”

Her pause allowed for Indra to give a small goodbye and begin her trek toward the trees only stopping to wait for Clarke. 

“I’ll catch up with you in a minute, Indra.” 

She carried on until she could no longer be seen through the branches. 

The grimace on Murphy’s face forced Clarke to swallow her betrayal of what was to come. She continued, “Don’t try to be the hero. Get yourself safe and go from there.” She went into her pack to reach for something. “In case something bad happens.” She handed him her notebook and a handgun, heavy with life-ending, life-saving bullets. 

Murphy stared at the weapon laying on his palms. His frown morphed into a somber smirk as a single corner of his mouth lifted. He joked, “You must be serious of I get a gun. I never get a gun.” 

Clarke was serious as her face spoke of a goodbye, mouth compressed and eyes shining with the tears she would not permit to fall. “Take care of yourself.” 

She left him, her head held high humming a soft sort of trust in all the things she never told him. They understood one another which is why Murphy’s heart lurched. His suspicions from earlier punched him in the gut as he realized they were not telling him everything. Echo wanted to come because she saw it too, and she wanted to be here. 

He knew a liar when he saw one. 

Sitting himself down, he flipped through the notebook hoping to glimpse just a little more than he was told. He saw the maps and drawings Clarke showed them, but the more he went through it, the more he saw who she was not what she was planning. 

Perfect replicas of memories stencilled one right after another. Moments in his life he would never want to forget and moments he would never want to remember. These wonderful lines of black captured everything that occurred with such tenderness it struck Murphy just how much Clarke loved them all even him. There were so many faces, so many recollections of what created her life down on the ground. She made beauty from the battle-worn pieces of them. 

They even looked peaceful in some, accepting and loving in way he did not think they could ever feel. Each drawing was healing in an obscure kind of way. It mended the soul as he saw himself a hero through the eyes of someone more deserving of the title, someone more broken then he and lonelier. 

He spent hours soaking in all Clarke’s love when he heard a boom. Startled, he frantically pushed himself off the ground and toward the sound tripping over himself as he did it. 

He grabbed the radio, “Hey, come in! Anyone there! What’s happened!” He waited and waited and waited. “Clarke! Indra! Anyone!” Still, nothing. No one responded. 

Climbing into the rover, his body shook and his breath thinned as his lungs burned with a great sense of fear. Smacking the wheel, he berated himself, “Get it together, Murphy. Get it together.” He used the radio there, “Hey, come in…it’s Murphy! I need to talk to Bellamy or Monty or Raven or someone!” 

Static rang in the air. The anticipation of an answer twisted him into a mere fragment of the cool head he usually possessed. Just the look Clarke gave him. The look Indra had before they left. Octavia’s rather suspicious behavior. Things were not adding up. 

“Go for Harper.” 

Heart pounding, Murphy almost wept at the sound of Harper’s voice coming through the radio, “Harper! Something’s happened. I’m going to go in to try to find Clarke and Indra before we head out.” 

“What’s happened, Murphy!”

“I don’t know! I don’t know. It sounded like an explosion or something. I stayed behind to man the radios and keep an eye on camp.” 

“I’ll let them know here.” 

Closing his eyes, he whispered, “I knew something was wrong. I have a bad feeling about this.” 

“Murphy…it’s going to be fine.” 

No reply was needed. He simply placed the radio back and gripped the wheel until his knuckles were white matching the paleness of his face. Eyes trained on the horizon of trees, he focused on making them emerge from the darkness of the forest. 

Not too long after, Indra stumbled out holding her side. 

He scrambled out to help her. Together, she laid in the back of the rover demanding, “We have to go.” 

Snapping his gaze at her, voice hardened and heated, “What! Are you crazy? And, leave Clarke here,” 

Using the walls of the rover to pull herself up, she intensified herself to hide how broken she really was, “We can’t go back. She pushed me out of the way and she got hit. They got her, and we can’t get her alone. We have to go.” 

Closing the doors, Murphy quickened his step to get to the driver’s seat. Heavy with a responsibility he never had before now, he followed Clarke’s rapid lesson and drove toward the desert. 

Silence accompanied them the whole way home, a constant reminder of who he left behind to burn again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. Graduate school kicked my but last semester, and with some of the negativity happening in the fandom, I just lost momentum. 
> 
> I am not sure when the next chapter will be out, but I am trying to have it out in less than a month. I want to finish this before this semester gets too chaotic. I think I only have like 2-3 chapters left at least that is the plan. If the chapters get too long. It may have more. 
> 
> Thanks! Enjoy!

Despite the comfort of her family, Emori grew more and more worried as the hours passed on with no news from Murphy or anyone else. The last thing they heard was Murphy announcing they were on their way back to camp and to let Jackson know he needed to prep the medbay. Teeth chewing on her lip, she could barely hold eye contact with anyone let alone Harper who merely delivered the unwanted message. She paced and paced and paced each step matching her anxious beats. 

The last thing she said to him threw him into harm’s way, and he had stayed on the path of destruction ever since her words broke any survivor in him. 

Someone was hurt. And yes, Harper insisted Murphy was not in the line of fire, but Raven’s remarks pulsed in her head eclipsing anything else of reason. Her steady rage drowned out Bellamy’s pleas for her to understand the situation they currently lived as she reminded them all how he should not have been there in the first place. 

Something in her triggered an overwhelming sense of need, something she forgot existed in her bones. She needed to have her hands wander over his body to ensure no piece had gone missing, no piece had been ripped away from her before she even had the chance to mend whatever it was they had. She needed John Murphy to be whole and complete without any more damage than he had already received. 

Lips worried, Emori searched for a way to calm her raging heart to address everyone again, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know this isn’t anyone’s fault but mine, and I just…” 

Everything and everyone slowed as her words escaped her mouth. Her misguided apology and misplaced blame jolted them all awake from their own nightmares to truly notice how apprehensive Emori was. 

Bellamy sighed, “This isn’t your fault, Emori. How could it be?” 

Turning to Harper, she said, “I told him he should have stayed instead of Raven. I told him he wasn’t worth it. And, now, he’s…” 

Harper took charge as she wrapped Emori in a hug, “He’s fine. This is Murphy. He is always fine. Okay?” 

Nodding, Emori sucked in a breath as no words could express her own sense of helplessness. She always found a plan when others simply saw uselessness. She survived with nothing but her wits and just a little bit of luck. Now, as John’s life hung in uncertainty, she barely could think enough to breath let alone muster enough cleverness to do something.

She sunk into Harper’s arms searching for something other than the emptiness settling in her chest. Her fury burned through much of her physical ties to Murphy, but the love they shared still resided in her heart. She may not know if she could ever be with him again, but she never thought he would die for it. 

The sense of time devolved into a chaos only Murphy could cause. The world blurred around her and everything slowed yet zoomed. It was closing in, this feeling of world-ending devastation, but everyone else seemed oblivious to it. 

Could they not hear the loud, fuzzy ring echo in the air? Could they not see how everything was so out of focus and bright? How could the earth not care that she may have hurt John Murphy so much he could be beyond repair, beyond saving?

Her body numbed so much she barely felt Harper’s attempt to pull her up. Instead, she dragged them both to the ground. 

A muffled Echo tried to ease her pain with comforting words, but everything froze. 

Just in the distance, the rover dived into view. This figure, all dark and fast, rolled onto the scene with no awareness of the crowd forming. Emori and Harper rose from the ground as Bellamy and Echo guarded them from the front. Jackson burst in a frenzy ordering Miller and Kara to create a barrier between the masses and the possible injured party. 

Once the rover halted, everything slowed as they all waited for someone to exit the vehicle. No movement could be seen from where they all stood. Until Murphy scurried out of the driver seat yelling to Jackson about Indra’s injury. 

With one voice, a commotion erupted and noise took over. Mayhem spilled into action as everything once frozen melted and moved. Jackson sprinted with Miller behind him to grab Indra from Murphy. The rest of Spacekru circled behind them as Murphy released Indra into Jackson’s capable care. 

Harper reached for him first saying, “Murphy, are you hurt?” 

Dazed and ears ringing from adrenaline, Murphy stepped forward toward Jackson carrying Indra away as she struggled to keep up with him due to her injury. She lost so much blood from her injury with no Clarke to help them on the way. 

Harper’s voice echoed in his ears, “Murphy…Murphy!” 

Snapped out of his stupor, Murphy gave small, narrow shakes to clear his mind. His tone sounded distant and harsh like he just woke from a dream. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine.” 

Raven looked him up and down and coughed, “Then what’s with the blood?” 

Shaking his head again, he finally placed himself on the ground with both feet firmly settled on the soil. His mind raced with all the memories he made on this dirt place, a mixture of mud and blood from all the battles he lost (most if he was honest with himself) and the few he miraculously won. And much like all the times before, he said, “It isn’t mine.” He looked down to his hands repeating, “It isn’t my blood. It’s Indra’s.” 

He turned to steady his gaze on them. He saw a physical manifestation of his worried mind, every thought and concern mirrored in them as his eyes found each and every one of them. Slowly, he dissected them, all of them. Raven’s furrowed brow. Harper’s delicate frame. Monty’s persistent frown. Bellamy’s stoic form. Echo’s rigid stance. Emori’s…

Well, he could not bring himself to look at Emori long enough to notice anything specific. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her rather shallow breath and relaxed shoulders as if his presences actually relieved her. The longer his mind focused on Emori, the less time remained to solve the deceit he knew lurked in camp. 

From the beginning, he knew. He knew something was wrong. Despite Clarke’s rather valiant effort to dissuade him from discerning it, Indra was not so clever. She underestimated him, and he could see Clarke’s frustration at her folly. Indra should have waited longer in the wild before stumbling into his presence. 

He had not caught it at first, but as the silence crept into the rover, he rearranged every piece from the moment all his alarms went off. All of these instances glued together by pure suspicious activity and Clarke’s resignation. He remembered that particular dance after Becca’s lab. It was a favorite of hers, being the sacrificial lamb when no one else wanted or cared enough to do something. Almost like she never valued herself as much as she valued all those around her even the people who should have been enemies. She saw their humanity if nothing else. 

Now, which one of them felt the very same way, which one of them was the traitor? 

Their voices carried in the air but Murphy blocked them out as they attempted to examine him. Each one perfectly concerned about his well-being. Even Emori appeared to be distraught at the possibility of his pain. He tuned them all out until one voice, in particular, asked the forbidden question, the question he expected to receive the moment he and Indra arrived. 

“Where’s Clarke?” 

If Raven knew, it happened after they had left. But she could not, because if she did, she would have asked about Clarke already. Bellamy seemed too calm to have been a part of it, and he would never put Clarke in such a dangerous position if he could help it, and he usually found a way to help it by putting himself in the line of fire. Monty and Harper were tired of fighting, and Emori felt a kinship with Clarke after everything Clarke did for her. 

Echo, though, Echo had no genuine attachment to her and if it meant the rest of them could live, she would gladly set the world on fire and watch Clarke burn again. Jokes on her because Murphy was not about to spend another six years with the grief of failure waiting for the nightmare to be over to only realize the nightmare touched every part of him. There was no escaping his life not until he heard Clarke’s voice on the other end. A greater force than him gave him a second chance. He was not about to waste it just to save his family’s stupid feelings. 

He turned to face them when he saw Echo ask again, “Murphy, where’s Clarke?” 

Tensing, he narrowed his eyes and dangerously placed his foot nearer to her. Chaos was his calling. It made him unpredictable and alive, but something about his current movements was cautious, careful and so unlike him in a way that frightened everyone around him. 

His voice seethed and cut, “What did you say?” Another step, “Where is she?” And another, “Like you don’t know, Echo. Stop pretending like you care. She saved your sorry ass more times than you clearly deserved and you have the nerve…” 

Bellamy intervened physically placing himself between them. Hands up ready to push Murphy back, he huffed, “What is your deal, Murphy?” 

Slapping Bellamy’s hand away from him, Murphy spewed, “My deal is that you are all a bunch of assholes pretending not to be assholes.”

Bellamy, confused by his statement, simply called out his name, “Murphy…” 

Ignoring him, he looked straight into Echo. Her face attempted to give nothing away, stony and unmoving as beautiful as always, but Murphy could see right through her. His nostrils flared and he steadied himself with each deep breath until his voice hardened into a cold indifference, “Did you know? Did any of you know?”

Bellamy exasperated and wanting answers, “Know what, Murphy?” 

Shifting his gaze, he twisted himself to look more directly at Bellamy. He huffed, “That Clarke was going to do her Clarke thing and not come back like at all. That she was supposed to stay back to blow stuff up or something. Did you know? Because I would like to think that the guy who went all Superman for her like a week ago would not allow for her to go back to them especially when you know what they did to me and Raven and who knows what else a thousand years ago. Not when he saw Clarke all injured like that, like this.” He pointed to his own marks, healing but still visible. He continued, “Because sending her back to those sons of bitches so she could do god knows what to save our asses like she hadn’t already died for us well I think that would be a big dick move. But, I’m not exactly sure because that would be emotional and we have to be smart, right?” 

It punched Bellamy in the gut. The wind left his lungs, and he burned, really, truly burned. His body was on fire, and he could not breathe. This new ache settled itself in his chest and gripped at his heart, a sensation he thought he left behind in a distant dream and a scorched earth. Nothing hurt quite like a memory buried with time and space and something resembling peace raging back into his life like hot flames consuming all that stood in its wake. 

Words escaped him, but he did not have to fill in the silence as Murphy’s fury shattered it, “But like I said, it’s just what I think. And, what I think doesn’t really matter.” 

Bellamy still shocked, Echo attempted to deflect his attention away from him, “Do you know she stayed behind as some sort of big master plan for a fact, or…” 

Murphy wasted no time in lunging forward in Clarke’s defence, but Bellamy still stood in the middle of them blocking a physical attack on Echo. His words were enough though, “Do I know…I know she did everything she could to stop me from being involved. I know she wanted to go alone, but Indra was not about to let it happen. I know Indra came out to meet me way too damn fast for her to be where Clarke was when that bomb went off. And, most importantly, I know a traitor when I see one.” 

Emori finally chimed in saying, “If she really didn’t want you involved, she would have stopped you from going in the first place. But she didn’t, did she?” 

Murphy ignored Emori’s logic and pushed on, “So, I know you’re involved, but did the rest of you know?” 

Focused on Echo, he missed Monty and Harper’s shared concerned expression of an all-knowing variation, a type that could possibly lead one to believe they knew more than at first glance. 

Tensions running high, Monty stepped in declaring, “Yes, some of us knew. I knew. I helped Clarke figure out how she could bomb some of their supplies with the equipment she had been scavenging.” 

Murphy whipped his head to face Monty as he finished. Mouth opened only for a second, he soon scoffed, “We’re supposed to be a family, the good kind. You know…the kind that doesn’t send you out to die some brutal death.” 

Harper grabbed Monty’s hand in solidarity, “What were we supposed to do? Eligius is dangerous. You said so yourself, and we needed to get you all out, so we sent the best person for the job. I know it isn’t ideal, but she…” 

Murphy interrupted her, “Isn’t ideal?! Come on, McIntyre! You know better than that!” 

Monty placed himself as a barrier in order to keep Harper from Murphy’s rage, “I tried to stop her, okay! I told her not to go. That we shouldn’t have asked her, and that we were wrong. Echo never should have suggested it, and I never should have gone along with it. Because you’re right…”

The rest of his sentence trailed off as his eyes bugged out. He noticed his mistake too late. He never meant to put her in such a position, but the moment he saw the self-righteousness in Murphy’s smirk, his stomach dropped. Still, nothing compared to the betrayal staining Bellamy’s face. Eyes wide and mouth agape, his shocked expression iced Monty over. Stuck in place, he could not defend himself to any of them. He could not defend Echo or Harper. 

Murphy turned toward Echo once more, “Like I said, I know a traitor. How do you think I’ve survived this long?” He shook his head and puffed, “You didn’t try hard enough. You shouldn’t have let her go. Because, now, who knows what’s going to happen? They may kill her. She may kill them. They may kill each other or maybe they’ll team up and kill us.” 

Raven inhaled sharply at that particular accusation saying, “Clarke wouldn’t.” She took a step forward, “She’s always done what’s needed to be done for us. She wouldn’t just abandon us here.”

Murphy mocked her with so much snark if Raven were a more fragile woman she would have flinched, “We didn’t exactly give her a reason not to betray us. I mean we sent her there to die in the first place after we left here alone for six years. I mean…I would want to kill us if I were her.” 

Bellamy slowly returned as fury replaced the shock. A deep realization hit and he turned to confront her about it, “Was this what you were talking about, Echo? When you ended things with me? Was sending Clarke out there how you were turning back into the person you were?” 

Echo closed her eyes in a feeble attempt to avoid the disappointment that was sure to follow her next words, “Bellamy, it’s more complicated than that and you know it.”

A barrier between them formed at that moment. The love once shared between them, completely unsure and certainly unproven, faltered the minute it left the safety of metal and stars and fractured with each test. Now, all that remained was a broken tether releasing them into the world and two hearts struggling to keep beating. 

Despite all that destruction and Bellamy’s slow-paced distancing, Echo reached out to him in an effort to keep him by her side, to make him understand she loved him still, loved all of them. She said, “They have an army and the way Clarke was talking about the weapons they have…we didn’t have a choice. We needed her, Bellamy. There are casualties in war, always.” 

Words were not necessary. His movements told the whole story of utter distress and disbelief. He began to leave them all circled around each other as if separating himself from them would absolve him from his own shame one step at a time, the more distance between the guilty and himself meant forgiveness. It meant he cleansed himself from all the wrongness of it. It meant he could wash his hands from all the consequences bound to happen with this one decision, this one life abandoned again. 

He was one step further from them and one step closer to atonement. 

It was on them. He did not know, and if he did…he would have done something. He never wanted any of this. He wanted true peace and clear skies and solid dirt ground.

He wanted home. 

Another slap smashed into his being. Stopping his march, he sucked in a breath and fluttered his eyes shut as Clarke’s soft, insecure whispers echoed in his memories. And, now you’re home. That is what she had said when they touched for the first time in six years, and the feeling of her beneath his fingers shifted everything. Having her close, feeling her breath on his neck, drove exactly why the world did not collapse with her death. 

The reminders of the happiness, no matter how fleeting, he experienced in space were laced with her ghost. Every little thing felt incomplete as the infinite possibilities of how it all could have been if Clarke just reached the rocket in time. Those halls rang with words that could have been said, laughs that could have been shared, moments that could have been lived. 

Not having gotten very far, Bellamy heard Madi approach them. Her voice bright with just a tinge of worry, “Have you seen Clarke? I saw Indra with Jackson, but she wasn’t with them. I just want to make sure she’s okay because you know Clarke, she’ll forget about herself.” 

With a pained chest, he turned to the group to witness a wave of hesitation fall on them. 

It did not last as Murphy looked straight to him. His eyes defiant and his voice steady, “Do you want to tell the hobbit, or should I?” 

Madi backed herself up as the gravity of the words were not lost on her, “Tell me what?” Her eyes scanned them searching for a sign of comfort and a familiar face. She found nothing of the sort just adults she should know. Her voice trembled, “Where’s Clarke?” 

Bellamy stepped forward saying, “Madi, something happened. And, Clarke got caught in the middle.” His breath wobbled and one look to the little girl made him feel entirely too small. Her eyes glistened with tears she did not want to let go. They were big and innocent, and he was crushing her, “We don’t know where she is.” 

Madi sucked in a breath and choked on it. Giving herself a second to adjust to the news, she mustered by the courage to puff out her chest and say, “Eligius has her again. We have to go get her. We can negotiate like last time. Maybe, we can give them something they want. We could…”

Bellamy moved to look at his family not wanting to break this little girl more than he already had, but he could not give her any false hope. He exhaled hoping to gather the strength to continue, “Madi, we can’t. We don’t have the resources to get her right now. Indra is the only one that could know something, and she just can’t help right now.” 

Madi’s anger sparked immediately. Her voice rough gaining volume with each word, “We can’t just leave her there! We have to go get her!” 

Someone said her name, but both Madi and Bellamy paid them no attention. She simply drew herself closer to Bellamy, fury vibrating in her tone as she controlled her temper, “You promised. You promised you wouldn’t let anything happen to her.” 

Bellamy only croaked her name before his voice gave out and nothing, “Madi…” 

She pushed herself away from him and searched for reassurance somewhere else, in anyone else, but she found nothing but emptiness in all of them. She kept her mouth gaped as she stepped backwards until words fell out her lips, “She loved you. She loved all of you so much, and you don’t care about her. You never care about her.” She narrowed her eyes to all of them but focused her attention on Bellamy especially as she said her last words before storming off, “She said you were all heroes. That you always saved everyone…that…that you always saved her. You were supposed to be heroes, but you’re nothing but a bunch of cowards.” 

They stared at her vacated space until Murphy spoke with a small notebook in his hand, “Well, she ain’t kidding. Clarke really did love us.” He handed the notebook to Monty as he stood nearest and began to follow Madi into camp. He halted and turned around to face them one more time saying, “If she comes with her guns, I’m going to ask if I can join her team. Clarke may be a princess or whatever, but she’s had my back for a while now. So, yeah, I’m team cockroach all the way.” He stepped back a few feet with his hands in the air before turning his back to all of them with a head held high and a strong, steady pace. 

With the book in hand, Monty flipped through the pages with Harper peeking over his shoulders. Their resilience crumbling with each delicately drawn design, sketched perfectly to show all the details she never wanted to forget. Their faces so exact, stories told in painstakingly accurate lines. Her love, her need to have them close, could be experienced in every shade on the page. 

Silence swept them all up as their heads reeled and attempted to make sense of everything that just occurred. No one moved. All of them barely breathed. 

Echo spoke. Her voice tentative and rather quiet, “She had to go.” 

Emori blazed saying, “What about John? Did he have to go too?” 

“I tried to get myself assigned to the team the moment Murphy volunteered. Octavia wouldn’t have it, and she sent Indra instead.” 

Emori threw her arms and breathed, “Stop. I can’t right now.” She left them there with no hesitation and more frustration than she had ever felt. 

Raven shifted closer to Echo and reached for her in reassurance. She was angry, but she understood how limited their options were. Her mind reflected on her choice she made with Murphy on the ship. Sometimes, bad outcomes happen from good intentions. She spoke, “Hey, it doesn’t matter what happened, who suggested what. We need to make a plan now to move forward. So, what was the plan?” 

Monty sighed, “Octavia wanted to banish Echo, unless she showed she could be useful. Echo thought that if we could limit their supplies, it would be easier to beat them when they have every other advantage. So, Clarke got involved in talks. She mentioned what she had seen when she was in their camp. The weapons, the people, how they moved, what kind of strategy they had.” He took in oxygen as he pushed forward. “Without you,” he pointed at Raven, “they asked me to see what I could do. 

“Clarke mentioned some supplies. Guns, bullets, some supplies from Arcadia. Between the two of us, we realized we could build a bomb. It would small so none of the wildlife would be affected. But the thing about bombs is you need someone to set it up in the right location. Octavia wanted to send Madi and Clarke together. But Clarke said no. She kept saying no. There was a compromise. Cooper and Madi would go first in a recon mission which is when they found Raven and Murphy.” 

Harper interjected, “Clarke still didn’t want to go, but I convinced her and she said she would. And, you know the rest. Clarke left for her mission, but there was the incident near the border of Eden, so she couldn’t go by herself. So, Murphy volunteered.” 

Raven continued the story, “Which is when Echo said she should go with and Indra went instead.” 

Three of them nodded their heads. 

Raven inhaled, “Okay, okay. So, what do we do now?” 

They all glanced at Bellamy, an automatic reaction to the question just asked. He had nothing for them. Every moment spun in his mind making him dizzy. The air never reached his lungs. It got stuck in his throat with every choke he did not allow himself to let go. 

The world turned quiet. 

He needed to escape the pressure. He needed to run from the heavy sense of responsibility. He needed to flee from all the reminders of how he kept failing someone he cared for so deeply. 

Most, importantly, he needed to find answers. 

Leaving the rest of them with words in their mouths, he marched straight to the one person who held the power to do something. Each step brought back more sounds until he was outside of her office and noises filled his ears. 

Not bothering to knock, he barged in. His eyes found Octavia and he said, “Why did you decide to send Clarke to face Eligius on her own?” 

Hard, she responded, “I told you. She was going to get us some leverage.” 

“Why wasn’t a part of this decision?” 

She fluttered her eyes closed trying to calm herself. She answered condescendingly, the way a parent may speak to her child, “Didn’t we already have this conversation? My answer has not magically changed. I didn’t think you would care that much. It was a good idea, and the only one we had that could actually help us win this war.” 

Mirroring her, he straightened himself and crossed his arm with a tone hard and determined, “Bullshit! Why didn’t you ask me what I thought? I may have had a better solution.” 

Exhaling, she stood up, “You love her, Bellamy. You may not have admitted it to her or maybe even yourself, but you love her. You wouldn’t have let her go, and I already had a difficult time convincing her to go. I couldn’t you side with her because then the two of you would try something else.” 

She moved around her desk to settle herself closer to her older brother, “Sure, you may have come up with something better, but it also could have been worse. We don’t have the men, the supplies, the time for some grand plan. This was a solution and a pretty good one. I wasn’t about to let it slip through my fingers, because my brother has had the world longest crush on a girl.” 

She stepped toward the door only stopping when Bellamy asked, “So, you aren’t going to do anything to get her back?” 

She twisted to see his face but only saw his profile, “No. I’m not sending my people to rescue someone who knew exactly what would happen if she went. I have a war to prep for.” 

The door swung open and shut leaving Bellamy alone. A few minutes passed before he followed suit leaving behind the disappointment and searching for something much more motivating. 

He eventually found his tent and wandering inside seeing Monty there waiting for him. He did not say anything, simply acknowledged him with a nod. He began to remove his jacket and placed it on the makeshift bed. Both men fell onto the bed and quietly sought for the right words. 

Monty found them first, “I think you should see this.” He handed him Clarke’s notebook. “She waited for us and we…I sent her out there to die. I keep thinking about everything since we got to the ground, the first time that is. She was always there.” 

Bellamy simply said, “Yeah, she was.” He flipped through the pages much like Murphy and Monty before him. He saw all the details as they did. His heart sped up with each passing page, each passing drawing. All the small details anyone else would have forgotten were so devotedly penciled it almost tricked his eye into seeing color. 

Monty’s voice felt very far as he carried on reminiscing in an effort to find comfort in his mistakes, “We would have died without her. And, I don’t mean because she took over or because she made hard choices. I mean she took care of us. She stitched us up and gave us bandages and teas and so much attention. Did you ever notice how much Clarke pays attention?

“I just keep thinking about everything, and I wish I knew how to read her so I could have said the right thing to make her stay. She isn’t perfect, but god, she cares.” 

Springing to his feet, Bellamy finally found his voice, “We have to do something.” 

“Like what?” 

Grabbing his things, he said, “I don’t know. But I won’t leave her alone, not again.” He never wanted to struggle to breathe again, to be surrounded by caving walls and vast space, especially knowing how much so much grief hurt. He would not be able to survive the second haunting of Clarke Griffin’s ghost.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: cool-bookwormy9-things!


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